This is always such a difficult thing to explain, even to himself, and the truth is, he has no idea how to explain it to Ned without sounding utterly insane. "I guess sometimes I just start thinking about how strange the very nature of existing is. We're here, but it all seems so random. There were probably a million things that could've happened to make us not be here at all, not exist at all. And sometimes I start to wonder whether everything that I experience isn't just some kind of... I wonder whether it's all actually just in my head, if I'm just fantasizing about everything I think I'm seeing and feeling and doing. And if that's possible, and I know it is, because I know there're people who live with those kinds of delusions, then isn't it possible that I'm also just a delusion in someone else's head? Maybe the reason I feel so strange and out of place all the time is that I'm just not supposed to be here, that I'm just a figment of someone else's mind."
It doesn't make sense, when he explains it aloud, and he doesn't expect Ned to get it, but he's talking too fast now to slow himself down or to consider just how bizarre and downright strange he sounds, saying all of this. Ned might understand what some of this is like, but he probably doesn't question his own existence. Ginsberg, on the other hand, has been having existential dilemmas since before he really knew what they were.
"I mean, I don't really fit anywhere. I was born in Germany, but I'm not German. I was in Sweden for awhile, but I'm not Swedish. I came to America, but I'm not really American, not the way people think of it, even if my passport says I'm an American citizen. Where am I categorized? My father isn't my real father. I might not have had a mother at all, for all I know she could be a fictionalization, too, and I could have come from outer space. I have no idea what my real birthday is, I just know the one they invented for me. I have no idea what I was supposed to be named, I just know what they decided to call me. Everything I know about myself is fake. Doesn't that mean I'm not real, too?"
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This is always such a difficult thing to explain, even to himself, and the truth is, he has no idea how to explain it to Ned without sounding utterly insane. "I guess sometimes I just start thinking about how strange the very nature of existing is. We're here, but it all seems so random. There were probably a million things that could've happened to make us not be here at all, not exist at all. And sometimes I start to wonder whether everything that I experience isn't just some kind of... I wonder whether it's all actually just in my head, if I'm just fantasizing about everything I think I'm seeing and feeling and doing. And if that's possible, and I know it is, because I know there're people who live with those kinds of delusions, then isn't it possible that I'm also just a delusion in someone else's head? Maybe the reason I feel so strange and out of place all the time is that I'm just not supposed to be here, that I'm just a figment of someone else's mind."
It doesn't make sense, when he explains it aloud, and he doesn't expect Ned to get it, but he's talking too fast now to slow himself down or to consider just how bizarre and downright strange he sounds, saying all of this. Ned might understand what some of this is like, but he probably doesn't question his own existence. Ginsberg, on the other hand, has been having existential dilemmas since before he really knew what they were.
"I mean, I don't really fit anywhere. I was born in Germany, but I'm not German. I was in Sweden for awhile, but I'm not Swedish. I came to America, but I'm not really American, not the way people think of it, even if my passport says I'm an American citizen. Where am I categorized? My father isn't my real father. I might not have had a mother at all, for all I know she could be a fictionalization, too, and I could have come from outer space. I have no idea what my real birthday is, I just know the one they invented for me. I have no idea what I was supposed to be named, I just know what they decided to call me. Everything I know about myself is fake. Doesn't that mean I'm not real, too?"