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He has to laugh at the comment, because he finds it endearing, likes the honesty in it, that Ned's not afraid of admitting something like that. They haven't known each other for very long, and he knows that there're a fair few amount of people who wouldn't say something like that for fear of it sounding too intimate, too emotional. In his opinion, though, there's nothing wrong with being intimate or emotional; he just likes that Ned can do it around him.
"Well, yeah, you usually don't tell the guys you fall for that you've fallen for them. Unless you fall for them after they get pie thrown at them, apparently. Not that that's falling for, I mean, not in the really serious definition of the term, just that you were pretty forward with me. I liked that."
And if there's one thing he can say about himself, it's that no matter how affectionate someone else can be, he's always there, poised with something equally affectionate and generally more awkward, to say. He hadn't meant that Ned had really fallen for him, because that implies a depth of emotion that he's pretty sure can't exist yet, but Ned had certainly been interested in him, in some way, from the moment they'd met. The feeling had been mutual.
"The first time I fell for a guy, I was in high school. I thought I was losing my mind. I mean, up until then, I'd been a weird kid, but the one thing I had going for me that was entirely normal was that I was just as girl-crazy as every other guy I knew. And then all of a sudden, there was this guy, and I was having the same thoughts about him I was having about the girls -- well, you know, a little different, but the same basic idea -- and I really thought I'd lost it."
"Well, yeah, you usually don't tell the guys you fall for that you've fallen for them. Unless you fall for them after they get pie thrown at them, apparently. Not that that's falling for, I mean, not in the really serious definition of the term, just that you were pretty forward with me. I liked that."
And if there's one thing he can say about himself, it's that no matter how affectionate someone else can be, he's always there, poised with something equally affectionate and generally more awkward, to say. He hadn't meant that Ned had really fallen for him, because that implies a depth of emotion that he's pretty sure can't exist yet, but Ned had certainly been interested in him, in some way, from the moment they'd met. The feeling had been mutual.
"The first time I fell for a guy, I was in high school. I thought I was losing my mind. I mean, up until then, I'd been a weird kid, but the one thing I had going for me that was entirely normal was that I was just as girl-crazy as every other guy I knew. And then all of a sudden, there was this guy, and I was having the same thoughts about him I was having about the girls -- well, you know, a little different, but the same basic idea -- and I really thought I'd lost it."
Yes, he had been rather forward, hadn't he? Looking back, Ned's surprised at his own boldness. All the same, he's grateful to past Ned for taking that risk. Look where it's gotten him. For once, a gamble that paid off. At least - thus far.
Another knock at the door, but this one Ned barely responds to. He's too busy listening to Ginsberg's story about discovering his budding sexuality, thinking about how nice it is to just talk, like this. Ned's been with guys before, but none of them were too big on chit-chat, on telling him about their lives. Sometimes they wanted to hear about his, sure - things he didn't want to tell them. But they never offered parts of themselves, in the way that Ginsberg does so effortlessly, so generously.
"What was it that made you fall for him?" Ned asks, curious, thinking it might give him some insight into what it is that draws Ginsberg to people. He has to admit, he's interested for entirely selfish reasons.
Another knock at the door, but this one Ned barely responds to. He's too busy listening to Ginsberg's story about discovering his budding sexuality, thinking about how nice it is to just talk, like this. Ned's been with guys before, but none of them were too big on chit-chat, on telling him about their lives. Sometimes they wanted to hear about his, sure - things he didn't want to tell them. But they never offered parts of themselves, in the way that Ginsberg does so effortlessly, so generously.
"What was it that made you fall for him?" Ned asks, curious, thinking it might give him some insight into what it is that draws Ginsberg to people. He has to admit, he's interested for entirely selfish reasons.
"That's a good question. I mean, from a completely shallow perspective, he was really good-looking. But that's not all it was, because there were a lot of good-looking guys, I guess, and I didn't really notice any of the rest of them. I guess I liked him because he genuinely tried to be nice. He was kind of a loner, just like me, but he wasn't cynical like I am. He just liked to do his own thing, but he got along with most people. He just kind of made you think that he actually gave a shit about the stuff you were saying."
He's well aware that his description of this guy sounds a fair bit like Ned, but maybe Ned won't notice. It's not completely obvious, anyway, and just because he sees Ned that way doesn't mean Ned sees himself that way. "And I guess I liked that he was kind of mysterious. You know, he was that kid that you could never quite fit comfortably into a group. He wasn't a jock, he wasn't incredibly rebellious, he wasn't really anything. I wanted to get to know him better."
He feels that way about Ned, too, like he wants to get to know him better, like he really wants to get inside his head -- not in an uncomfortable, prying way, just in a way that'll tell him more about Ned. He cares what Ned has to say, and doesn't mind offering information in return. To be fair, he's never been particularly hesitant about sharing information about himself.
"Needless to say, he and I didn't work out."
He's well aware that his description of this guy sounds a fair bit like Ned, but maybe Ned won't notice. It's not completely obvious, anyway, and just because he sees Ned that way doesn't mean Ned sees himself that way. "And I guess I liked that he was kind of mysterious. You know, he was that kid that you could never quite fit comfortably into a group. He wasn't a jock, he wasn't incredibly rebellious, he wasn't really anything. I wanted to get to know him better."
He feels that way about Ned, too, like he wants to get to know him better, like he really wants to get inside his head -- not in an uncomfortable, prying way, just in a way that'll tell him more about Ned. He cares what Ned has to say, and doesn't mind offering information in return. To be fair, he's never been particularly hesitant about sharing information about himself.
"Needless to say, he and I didn't work out."
"I can think of a couple things..." Ned murmurs. It's always been more his role to follow along with whatever his partner wanted, to adjust himself to fit in with whatever scenario they had in mind. With Ginsberg, though, it's different. He seems, despite their previous night together, still nervous about his lack of experience and unwilling to trust in his own ability to make decisions. In which case, Ned thinks, it might be easier if he is more proactive, more forthright than is his custom.
"I kind of want you to fuck me," Ned suggests, head already dizzy enough with arousal that his usual obscenity filters have gone off-line. He keeps rubbing at Ginsberg with the heel of his palm, wonders how wound up he can get Ginsberg while he's still mostly-dressed. There's something strangely erotic about that, for Ned; about having the connection and energy of sex with a bare minimum of skin-to-skin contact. When he was new to all this, when he'd still been even worse than he is now about people touching him, he had preferred things like this - getting off with most of his clothes on. It's not so hard for him, now, to touch and be touched, but he still remembers how good it can be, without taking off a thing.
"Because..." he goes on, after that moment of distraction, "...some guys, you know, they really prefer it one way or another. I'm not really picky, but I thought, you should probably try both before you- before you make any decisions."
"I kind of want you to fuck me," Ned suggests, head already dizzy enough with arousal that his usual obscenity filters have gone off-line. He keeps rubbing at Ginsberg with the heel of his palm, wonders how wound up he can get Ginsberg while he's still mostly-dressed. There's something strangely erotic about that, for Ned; about having the connection and energy of sex with a bare minimum of skin-to-skin contact. When he was new to all this, when he'd still been even worse than he is now about people touching him, he had preferred things like this - getting off with most of his clothes on. It's not so hard for him, now, to touch and be touched, but he still remembers how good it can be, without taking off a thing.
"Because..." he goes on, after that moment of distraction, "...some guys, you know, they really prefer it one way or another. I'm not really picky, but I thought, you should probably try both before you- before you make any decisions."
"Uh, I, that..."
He's not necessarily stammering because he's surprised by the suggestion, although there's some of that inherent in his hesitation, too. It's more that he's entirely distracted by Ned's hand, and really has no way of hiding the fact, or any desire to do so -- in fact, he presses into Ned's hand more, unabashedly letting a quiet moan interrupt his stammering and stuttering. It should be obvious, from the way he's reacting, that it won't be at all difficult to get him wound up. Even the slight rubbing Ned's doing now is enough to have him moaning, after all.
"I'd like to try that. But like I said, I really don't know what I'm doing, and I don't wanna fuck it up, so you'd have to, you know, be patient. But yes, I want to."
And not just out of a sense of wanting to find out which way he prefers it. He genuinely wants to please Ned, in whatever way he can, and this sounds like it'll please him. That's all he's looking for, and he tugs Ned down for another kiss, sloppy and a little too passionate.
He's not necessarily stammering because he's surprised by the suggestion, although there's some of that inherent in his hesitation, too. It's more that he's entirely distracted by Ned's hand, and really has no way of hiding the fact, or any desire to do so -- in fact, he presses into Ned's hand more, unabashedly letting a quiet moan interrupt his stammering and stuttering. It should be obvious, from the way he's reacting, that it won't be at all difficult to get him wound up. Even the slight rubbing Ned's doing now is enough to have him moaning, after all.
"I'd like to try that. But like I said, I really don't know what I'm doing, and I don't wanna fuck it up, so you'd have to, you know, be patient. But yes, I want to."
And not just out of a sense of wanting to find out which way he prefers it. He genuinely wants to please Ned, in whatever way he can, and this sounds like it'll please him. That's all he's looking for, and he tugs Ned down for another kiss, sloppy and a little too passionate.
Ned, indeed, does not notice any marked similarity, because he doesn't think of himself in terms anywhere near as positive as those. The only thing that seems to him a possible point of crossover is what Ginsberg says about him being mysterious. Ned's been called mysterious by enough people to know that it's not always a compliment. Mysterious can be an accusation.
"You ever wonder what he's doing, these days?" Ned asks, closing his eyes for a moment. He likes sitting like this, being able to feel Ginsberg's chest rising and falling, "I wonder about that kind of thing all the time. Eugene's parents moved him to a different school, because he was so miserable. I don't even know where I'd start to look, if I wanted to find out where he is these days. For all I know he's dead, or a millionaire, or living a block away. And Chuck-" he hesitates here, before he concludes, "-I'm not sure I want to know how her life turned out, actually. What if it was awful?"
He's slipping, without meaning to, without realizing it, back into the shallows of that melancholy that's been threatening to drag him under all day.
"You ever wonder what he's doing, these days?" Ned asks, closing his eyes for a moment. He likes sitting like this, being able to feel Ginsberg's chest rising and falling, "I wonder about that kind of thing all the time. Eugene's parents moved him to a different school, because he was so miserable. I don't even know where I'd start to look, if I wanted to find out where he is these days. For all I know he's dead, or a millionaire, or living a block away. And Chuck-" he hesitates here, before he concludes, "-I'm not sure I want to know how her life turned out, actually. What if it was awful?"
He's slipping, without meaning to, without realizing it, back into the shallows of that melancholy that's been threatening to drag him under all day.
"I know where he is, these days. I mean, kind of. He joined the military right after high school. None of us saw that one coming, so I guess he really was mysterious."
He's quiet for a minute, thinking about the people he'd known in the past, wondering where all of them have gone, what's happened to them, wondering whether any of them wonder about him at all, or whether he's completely erased from the memories of everyone he'd ever known. He's pretty sure he'd never really stood out to anyone, throughout most of school. Even at some of the ad agencies he'd worked at, he doubts anyone remembers him, or if they do, it's vaguely, as the 'weird guy' that hadn't stuck around long.
"It would've been different when I'd been younger if my dad hadn't been so..." He pauses, looking for a word, not wanting to sound like he's blaming all of his oddities on his father. "Well, overprotective. He's always asking me when I'm going to get a girlfriend, always asking me if I'm actually interested in girls, and there's no way I can tell him I'm interested in both, because I don't think he'd get it. I mean, I think he'd understand if I weren't interested in girls at all, but when I ended up with this confusing, ridiculous crush on a guy in high school, it's not like I could go to him and talk about it. And yet he was always there, dogging every single one of my steps, wondering why I didn't have a date to prom, trying to set me up with the kids of his friends..."
He's quiet for a minute, thinking about the people he'd known in the past, wondering where all of them have gone, what's happened to them, wondering whether any of them wonder about him at all, or whether he's completely erased from the memories of everyone he'd ever known. He's pretty sure he'd never really stood out to anyone, throughout most of school. Even at some of the ad agencies he'd worked at, he doubts anyone remembers him, or if they do, it's vaguely, as the 'weird guy' that hadn't stuck around long.
"It would've been different when I'd been younger if my dad hadn't been so..." He pauses, looking for a word, not wanting to sound like he's blaming all of his oddities on his father. "Well, overprotective. He's always asking me when I'm going to get a girlfriend, always asking me if I'm actually interested in girls, and there's no way I can tell him I'm interested in both, because I don't think he'd get it. I mean, I think he'd understand if I weren't interested in girls at all, but when I ended up with this confusing, ridiculous crush on a guy in high school, it's not like I could go to him and talk about it. And yet he was always there, dogging every single one of my steps, wondering why I didn't have a date to prom, trying to set me up with the kids of his friends..."
It's a little while before Ned can get a word in; he kisses Ginsberg back with equal intensity, undoing half his buttons, then deciding it's more urgent they relocate to the bedroom first, then undress. With a playful tug at his shirt, Ned breaks away from Ginsberg, leads him down the hall towards his bedroom. It's different than the last time, because there is light filtering in through the curtains, because neither of them are stumbling or tipping over, but Ned thinks it's just as good.
Once they're in the room he starts to pull his clothes off with an obvious enthusiasm that rivals Ginsberg's, and he finally says what he had thought a minute or two earlier.
"I won't let you fuck it up." He knows how it goes, being afraid to ruin something. How terrifying it can be. But he doesn't want Ginsberg frightened. He wants him blissfully, inarticulately happy. "And y'know, practice makes perfect, so..." Ned hooks a finger in Ginsberg's belt loop, draws him close for another kiss, bending him back ever so slightly, the way he'd wanted to do when they were standing there in the museum, "...even if you feel like your first try doesn't go as well as you wanted it to, you've got an incentive to try again."
Once they're in the room he starts to pull his clothes off with an obvious enthusiasm that rivals Ginsberg's, and he finally says what he had thought a minute or two earlier.
"I won't let you fuck it up." He knows how it goes, being afraid to ruin something. How terrifying it can be. But he doesn't want Ginsberg frightened. He wants him blissfully, inarticulately happy. "And y'know, practice makes perfect, so..." Ned hooks a finger in Ginsberg's belt loop, draws him close for another kiss, bending him back ever so slightly, the way he'd wanted to do when they were standing there in the museum, "...even if you feel like your first try doesn't go as well as you wanted it to, you've got an incentive to try again."
Once more, when Ginsberg starts talking about his dad, Ned tenses slightly. This time, though, it isn't a passing mention. He just keeps going, and Ned feels a completely irrational knot of anger tightening in his stomach. At the same time that he realizes it is entirely unwarranted, he doesn't know how to loosen it, to dispel it.
"I don't know..." Ned begins, and his voice is lighter than before. It's a false lightness, though. Perhaps not an obvious enough one for Ginsberg to pick up on, since he hasn't really heard Ned use it before. He's the sort of guy who gets quietly angry, whose irritation gets buried under layers of passive-aggression and meaningful shrugs and a complete inability to vent it in any sort of healthy way. "That doesn't sound all that bad to me. He probably wants you to find someone because he thinks it will make you happy."
"I don't know..." Ned begins, and his voice is lighter than before. It's a false lightness, though. Perhaps not an obvious enough one for Ginsberg to pick up on, since he hasn't really heard Ned use it before. He's the sort of guy who gets quietly angry, whose irritation gets buried under layers of passive-aggression and meaningful shrugs and a complete inability to vent it in any sort of healthy way. "That doesn't sound all that bad to me. He probably wants you to find someone because he thinks it will make you happy."
All he wants to do is get both of their clothes off, so he's happy to follow Ned when he tugs him towards the bedroom, and he's pleasantly surprised when he manages to walk down the hallway without falling over or making a fool of himself. As soon as they're in the bedroom, though, he's letting himself be divested of his clothes as quickly as possible, finding no shame in being shirtless around Ned -- in fact, he doesn't particularly feel ashamed about being fully naked around Ned, either; at least, he hadn't the last time they'd been together. Maybe it'll be different this time, but he fervently hopes not.
Once he gets Ned out of his shirt, he takes a break from kissing to respond to Ned's reassurances, nodding a little, the flush on his cheeks obvious, especially since it isn't at all dark in the room. He lets himself be bent backwards a little, still liking the feeling of being held by Ned in this way, of feeling both excited and strangely secure. "Okay, I just... okay. I want to make you happy. I trust you."
Saying that doesn't strike him as particularly impressive -- he's never been given any reason to distrust Ned -- but then, he doesn't know what this kind of intimacy should be like, really, and he's unfamiliar with how strange people can be about trust when it comes to this kind of thing. Regardless of what he should be saying, he's in the process of nudging Ned towards the bed, thinking that that's probably a good first step towards doing this whole thing right.
Once he gets Ned out of his shirt, he takes a break from kissing to respond to Ned's reassurances, nodding a little, the flush on his cheeks obvious, especially since it isn't at all dark in the room. He lets himself be bent backwards a little, still liking the feeling of being held by Ned in this way, of feeling both excited and strangely secure. "Okay, I just... okay. I want to make you happy. I trust you."
Saying that doesn't strike him as particularly impressive -- he's never been given any reason to distrust Ned -- but then, he doesn't know what this kind of intimacy should be like, really, and he's unfamiliar with how strange people can be about trust when it comes to this kind of thing. Regardless of what he should be saying, he's in the process of nudging Ned towards the bed, thinking that that's probably a good first step towards doing this whole thing right.
"If he wanted me to be happy, he'd realize that making me happy meant getting off my back once in awhile. It's bad enough that I have to live with the guy, I don't need him breathing down my neck all the time, too, asking me stupid questions."
He knows that he sounds bitter, and he's half-compelled to apologize for it. He's not supposed to be here complaining about his family life, after all, he's supposed to be comforting Ned, and this is counterproductive. The problem is that once he gets started talking about all the ways his father is overbearing, he can hardly stop.
"He's not even my real father. He needs to back off and let me live my life. I'm an adult."
Even as he's saying it, he realizes how petulant and childish and decidedly un-adult-like he sounds. He doesn't pick up on the false lightness in Ned's voice, though if he did, he'd stop his tirade immediately. As it is, he's winding down with it anyway, realizing how stupid it all sounds.
He knows that he sounds bitter, and he's half-compelled to apologize for it. He's not supposed to be here complaining about his family life, after all, he's supposed to be comforting Ned, and this is counterproductive. The problem is that once he gets started talking about all the ways his father is overbearing, he can hardly stop.
"He's not even my real father. He needs to back off and let me live my life. I'm an adult."
Even as he's saying it, he realizes how petulant and childish and decidedly un-adult-like he sounds. He doesn't pick up on the false lightness in Ned's voice, though if he did, he'd stop his tirade immediately. As it is, he's winding down with it anyway, realizing how stupid it all sounds.
Ned knows it was a mistake, now, to say what he did. He should have realized that sticking his nose in would only make it worse, would only make Ginsberg contradict him. Past experience ought to have taught him that it's never a good idea to offer his opinion of people's relationships with their parents. He knows he wouldn't appreciate it if Ginsberg were the one saying his situation didn't seem all that bad.
But those thoughts remain on the purely rational level of his mind, and it's voice is small in the face of the torrent of hurt and anger that's clawing its way to the forefront. It's not Ginsberg he should be angry at, and he knows it. All the same he sits up, can't stand to be touching the other man, can't just lounge around and listen to him complain about the fact that his father loves him just too damn much. Not today.
The revelation that it's not his 'real' father is a surprise, but not entirely unexpected. Ned hardly registers it. His heart is hammering too fast in his chest, hands clenched into fists so that he can feel the bite of his fingernails against his palms. For as long as he can manage it he just sits there, trying to keep himself from saying something he'll regret, trying to calm down and check the rapid descent of his mood.
That initial flash of unwarranted anger gives way to a deeper vein of melancholy, heavily tinted with self-loathing. Had he really almost yelled at Ginsberg, for talking about his father, for complaining in the way that most everyone Ned had ever met complained about their parents?
"Can we please talk about something else?" Ned tries to keep his voice steady and emotionless, but the pretense is beyond him, and his words waver with suppressed distress. He clears his throat, even though he knows it's past salvaging now, that there's no way Ginsberg won't be able to tell he's sliced at a nerve, "I understand that it's not my life and my understanding of the situation is imperfect at best, and I'm the one who asked you to talk to me in the first place, but-" his voice cracks, and he shuts his eyes against the hot burn of tears that are trying to force their way free, "-if I have to hear you say one more word about how t-terrible it is that your dad actually gives a shit about you, I think I might lose it."
But those thoughts remain on the purely rational level of his mind, and it's voice is small in the face of the torrent of hurt and anger that's clawing its way to the forefront. It's not Ginsberg he should be angry at, and he knows it. All the same he sits up, can't stand to be touching the other man, can't just lounge around and listen to him complain about the fact that his father loves him just too damn much. Not today.
The revelation that it's not his 'real' father is a surprise, but not entirely unexpected. Ned hardly registers it. His heart is hammering too fast in his chest, hands clenched into fists so that he can feel the bite of his fingernails against his palms. For as long as he can manage it he just sits there, trying to keep himself from saying something he'll regret, trying to calm down and check the rapid descent of his mood.
That initial flash of unwarranted anger gives way to a deeper vein of melancholy, heavily tinted with self-loathing. Had he really almost yelled at Ginsberg, for talking about his father, for complaining in the way that most everyone Ned had ever met complained about their parents?
"Can we please talk about something else?" Ned tries to keep his voice steady and emotionless, but the pretense is beyond him, and his words waver with suppressed distress. He clears his throat, even though he knows it's past salvaging now, that there's no way Ginsberg won't be able to tell he's sliced at a nerve, "I understand that it's not my life and my understanding of the situation is imperfect at best, and I'm the one who asked you to talk to me in the first place, but-" his voice cracks, and he shuts his eyes against the hot burn of tears that are trying to force their way free, "-if I have to hear you say one more word about how t-terrible it is that your dad actually gives a shit about you, I think I might lose it."
"I..."
He'd known that it was stupid to say so much, to complain so much, when there were certainly people in the world who had it worse than he did, and when he had no idea what category Ned fell into in regards to his parents. All he knows is that Ned's mother is dead, and that Ned doesn't like to talk about it; he knows nothing about his father, and from the way Ned's responded, it's an uneasy topic, at best.
"Yeah, we can talk about something else. I didn't mean to..."
It doesn't matter what he meant to do, and he knows it. He'd been trying to distract Ned with meaningless complaints of his own life, in an attempt to draw Ned's focus away from his own problems, but he'd obviously gone too far, and it's just as obvious that his complaints have made Ned desperately unhappy. It doesn't take a genius to recognize that, from the response Ned's had, he must not have had a very good relationship with his father. Certainly, he hadn't experienced the problems that Ginsberg had, the overwhelming, almost suffocating caring, and of course, from another point of view, Ginsberg understands why it could be difficult to find that so upsetting.
There's a part of him that wants to reach out for Ned and full him close again, to apologize physically because he has no idea how to put an apology into words (he's never been good at that, he's always been clumsy, even when he knows full well that he's been the one to cause offense) but he doesn't. He thinks Ned would likely pull away from him now. All he knows is that he's plagued with guilt, and that guilt is one of his least favorite feelings.
He fights back frustration, too, because the last thing he wants is to be frustrated at Ned, who's having a bad day anyway, and settles for what he thinks is a fairly inoffensive, "I'm sorry. What would you prefer to talk about?" Nobody could have a problem with that sentence, could they? It's so bland as to be completely devoid of expression.
He'd known that it was stupid to say so much, to complain so much, when there were certainly people in the world who had it worse than he did, and when he had no idea what category Ned fell into in regards to his parents. All he knows is that Ned's mother is dead, and that Ned doesn't like to talk about it; he knows nothing about his father, and from the way Ned's responded, it's an uneasy topic, at best.
"Yeah, we can talk about something else. I didn't mean to..."
It doesn't matter what he meant to do, and he knows it. He'd been trying to distract Ned with meaningless complaints of his own life, in an attempt to draw Ned's focus away from his own problems, but he'd obviously gone too far, and it's just as obvious that his complaints have made Ned desperately unhappy. It doesn't take a genius to recognize that, from the response Ned's had, he must not have had a very good relationship with his father. Certainly, he hadn't experienced the problems that Ginsberg had, the overwhelming, almost suffocating caring, and of course, from another point of view, Ginsberg understands why it could be difficult to find that so upsetting.
There's a part of him that wants to reach out for Ned and full him close again, to apologize physically because he has no idea how to put an apology into words (he's never been good at that, he's always been clumsy, even when he knows full well that he's been the one to cause offense) but he doesn't. He thinks Ned would likely pull away from him now. All he knows is that he's plagued with guilt, and that guilt is one of his least favorite feelings.
He fights back frustration, too, because the last thing he wants is to be frustrated at Ned, who's having a bad day anyway, and settles for what he thinks is a fairly inoffensive, "I'm sorry. What would you prefer to talk about?" Nobody could have a problem with that sentence, could they? It's so bland as to be completely devoid of expression.
Ned thinks, sometimes, that there's an inertia to his emotions. That it can take a deal of effort to get them going, but once they are, it takes a much greater effort to stop them. He feels as if he is hurtling forward without brakes, without an idea of how to disengage all that hurt and unhappiness and just answer Ginsberg's question like a normal human being.
He rakes his hands through his hair, feels paralyzed by half a dozen unappealing choices. Which one of them is the least likely to make Ginsberg head for the door and never come back? He buries his face in his hands.
"You shouldn't apologize. It's my fault. I should never have asked you over, when I'm like this. I can't expect you to- how are you supposed to know what not to say if I don't tell you?" That inertia is carrying him forward, his words coming at an increasing speed, "I'm sorry I snapped at you. Touchy subject. If you hadn't guessed." It was meant to be a joke, but it's a feeble stab at humor.
And at this point, why not just tell him? Ginsberg must have guessed already it's related to his father. He's not stupid. Maybe if Ned just tells him, he'll understand that it's not in the vein of common petty resentments, that his overreaction is, if not justified, comprehensible.
"I never had any of that." His voice cracks again, the words coming tumbling out in a rush, like a dam bursting, "No one wondered why I didn't have a date to prom, or tried to set me up, or asked me stupid questions about my life. I guess the reason why I don't get you wanting to be left alone is I've been on my own since I was nine and I'd give anything just to have a father who remembers I exist."
He can feel his shoulders shaking, the cracks in his facade getting wider. This has been coming all day. His mistake was to invite Ginsberg here to witness it. There's no way he'll want to stick around after this, Ned thinks, with almost a kind of triumph that his earlier dire prophecy is fulfilling itself. He'll be disgusted and irritated, maybe with a dash of pity (since he's such a great guy). He'll leave and never call again and Ned won't have anyone to blame but himself.
As these thoughts are circling he keeps talking, almost without being conscious of what he says, "A week after my mother died, he left me at the boarding school and told me he'd be back, only that was a lie. He didn't come back. Or write. Or call. For a year. Then he sent a postcard," here Ned's voice grows suddenly bitter, "One of those pre-printed ones, that people send to everyone they know when they move, with their new address. So I thought... he wanted a new house to start over in, one that wouldn't remind him-" Ned breaks off, with a little shake of his head, expression momentarily wavering closer to tears before he pulls the threads of his composure back in place, "I snuck out of school to surprise him. I thought I'd get there before he could even leave to come pick me up. But when I got there he had a new wife and new sons, so it kind of ruined my big gesture. He was never going to come pick me up. He didn't even fucking recognize me."
He rakes his hands through his hair, feels paralyzed by half a dozen unappealing choices. Which one of them is the least likely to make Ginsberg head for the door and never come back? He buries his face in his hands.
"You shouldn't apologize. It's my fault. I should never have asked you over, when I'm like this. I can't expect you to- how are you supposed to know what not to say if I don't tell you?" That inertia is carrying him forward, his words coming at an increasing speed, "I'm sorry I snapped at you. Touchy subject. If you hadn't guessed." It was meant to be a joke, but it's a feeble stab at humor.
And at this point, why not just tell him? Ginsberg must have guessed already it's related to his father. He's not stupid. Maybe if Ned just tells him, he'll understand that it's not in the vein of common petty resentments, that his overreaction is, if not justified, comprehensible.
"I never had any of that." His voice cracks again, the words coming tumbling out in a rush, like a dam bursting, "No one wondered why I didn't have a date to prom, or tried to set me up, or asked me stupid questions about my life. I guess the reason why I don't get you wanting to be left alone is I've been on my own since I was nine and I'd give anything just to have a father who remembers I exist."
He can feel his shoulders shaking, the cracks in his facade getting wider. This has been coming all day. His mistake was to invite Ginsberg here to witness it. There's no way he'll want to stick around after this, Ned thinks, with almost a kind of triumph that his earlier dire prophecy is fulfilling itself. He'll be disgusted and irritated, maybe with a dash of pity (since he's such a great guy). He'll leave and never call again and Ned won't have anyone to blame but himself.
As these thoughts are circling he keeps talking, almost without being conscious of what he says, "A week after my mother died, he left me at the boarding school and told me he'd be back, only that was a lie. He didn't come back. Or write. Or call. For a year. Then he sent a postcard," here Ned's voice grows suddenly bitter, "One of those pre-printed ones, that people send to everyone they know when they move, with their new address. So I thought... he wanted a new house to start over in, one that wouldn't remind him-" Ned breaks off, with a little shake of his head, expression momentarily wavering closer to tears before he pulls the threads of his composure back in place, "I snuck out of school to surprise him. I thought I'd get there before he could even leave to come pick me up. But when I got there he had a new wife and new sons, so it kind of ruined my big gesture. He was never going to come pick me up. He didn't even fucking recognize me."
Edited (allllll the typos) 2013-10-27 04:58 (UTC)
There's an uncharacteristic stillness to Ginsberg now, as he sits there and listens to what Ned's saying, because he recognizes, even before Ned gets into the truly emotional parts of the story, that this is important, that it shouldn't be interrupted by fidgeting or asking irrelevant questions or even by saying those little things you say during conversation simply to keep it rolling. Emotion like this doesn't need encouragement, after all, and no amount of "mmhmms" or "uh huhs" will make it any easier for Ned to talk about it. So he's quiet, and still, and listens to what Ned has to say.
Even once Ned is done speaking, though, there're a million thoughts rushing around in his mind, and he has to sit silently for another several moments, during which he hopes Ned doesn't decide to suddenly kick him out for not responding appropriately, now that he's divulged all of this information. Finally, when he does speak, it's a little less frantic and exuberant than usual. "I'm sorry," he says, even though Ned had told him not to apologize, because he's not apologizing for anything he did now, he's apologizing for what had obviously been so painful -- still is so painful -- for Ned. Without meaning to, he'd dragged up all kinds of memories, unpleasantries that Ned had likely been trying to avoid throughout the whole day.
There isn't much he can say, he doesn't think, not anything that won't ring false, at least, and not anything that won't be potentially offensive (he wants, very much, to burst out with a "what an asshole!" comment at the end of Ned's explanation about his father, but he literally bites his tongue to avoid from doing so, because he knows full well that regardless of how harshly someone might speak of their parents, it's almost never productive to denigrate them.) He reaches one hand forward, almost tentatively, sets it on Ned's shoulder, not pushing some kind of suffocating embrace on him -- he doesn't know him well enough yet to know how he'll take it, whether it will be comforting or just stifling.
"Talking about that kinda stuff..." He takes a deep breath, tries to take any hint of pity out of his voice, because he doesn't pity Ned, and pity is one of those feelings that nobody appreciates receiving, even if it's meant well. "... You didn't have to explain yourself to me, but knowing where you're coming from... I'm glad you did. I know that probably makes me selfish because you had to talk about all of that and it's obviously upset you and you were trying to avoid all of this and I came in here and made you talk about it anyway, but you know -- or you should know, if you don't know, and me saying it doesn't help but I'm going to say it anyway because I can't keep my goddamn mouth shut -- you know that you didn't deserve what your father did."
Does that change anything? He doubts it. He knows all too well how meaningless words like that can be, even if they're meant from a place of compassion, which his are. "I'm glad you asked me over. Even when you're like this. Believe me, I've seen worse. I've been worse. How're you supposed to deal with it if you have to deal with it by yourself all the time? That gets pretty exhausting." Another deep breath, and then: "Okay, I'm pretty sure I've said way too much, and I've probably upset you again, and that really isn't my intention, but it's not something I'm so great at avoiding, in case you hadn't noticed, and I'm going to shut up now."
Even once Ned is done speaking, though, there're a million thoughts rushing around in his mind, and he has to sit silently for another several moments, during which he hopes Ned doesn't decide to suddenly kick him out for not responding appropriately, now that he's divulged all of this information. Finally, when he does speak, it's a little less frantic and exuberant than usual. "I'm sorry," he says, even though Ned had told him not to apologize, because he's not apologizing for anything he did now, he's apologizing for what had obviously been so painful -- still is so painful -- for Ned. Without meaning to, he'd dragged up all kinds of memories, unpleasantries that Ned had likely been trying to avoid throughout the whole day.
There isn't much he can say, he doesn't think, not anything that won't ring false, at least, and not anything that won't be potentially offensive (he wants, very much, to burst out with a "what an asshole!" comment at the end of Ned's explanation about his father, but he literally bites his tongue to avoid from doing so, because he knows full well that regardless of how harshly someone might speak of their parents, it's almost never productive to denigrate them.) He reaches one hand forward, almost tentatively, sets it on Ned's shoulder, not pushing some kind of suffocating embrace on him -- he doesn't know him well enough yet to know how he'll take it, whether it will be comforting or just stifling.
"Talking about that kinda stuff..." He takes a deep breath, tries to take any hint of pity out of his voice, because he doesn't pity Ned, and pity is one of those feelings that nobody appreciates receiving, even if it's meant well. "... You didn't have to explain yourself to me, but knowing where you're coming from... I'm glad you did. I know that probably makes me selfish because you had to talk about all of that and it's obviously upset you and you were trying to avoid all of this and I came in here and made you talk about it anyway, but you know -- or you should know, if you don't know, and me saying it doesn't help but I'm going to say it anyway because I can't keep my goddamn mouth shut -- you know that you didn't deserve what your father did."
Does that change anything? He doubts it. He knows all too well how meaningless words like that can be, even if they're meant from a place of compassion, which his are. "I'm glad you asked me over. Even when you're like this. Believe me, I've seen worse. I've been worse. How're you supposed to deal with it if you have to deal with it by yourself all the time? That gets pretty exhausting." Another deep breath, and then: "Okay, I'm pretty sure I've said way too much, and I've probably upset you again, and that really isn't my intention, but it's not something I'm so great at avoiding, in case you hadn't noticed, and I'm going to shut up now."
Those moments of silence after he's finished speaking (or rather, cut himself off before his story gets any more pathetic - Ginsberg really doesn't need to know how that night ended, with him sobbing himself to sleep on the floor of his gutted childhood home) are excruciating. Just as Ginsberg is anticipating Ned will throw him out any second, Ned is anticipating Ginsberg will make his polite excuses and a hasty retreat. But he doesn't.
Ned doesn't quite know what to do, in response to that hand on his shoulder. He understands the impulse behind the gesture, but his reaction to it is not ingrained, has to be processed consciously as an unfamiliar situation. At least now Ginsberg will have a framework for why he responds differently to certain things than the average person.
And it seems that Ginsberg understands that that was what he was aiming for. He wasn't looking for pity, or attention; he just wanted to give Ginsberg an idea where he comes from.
The comment about him not deserving it catches him off-guard. He'd never even brought up the topic of deserving it or not, so how had Ginsberg intuited or guessed or reasoned out that he does think he deserved it? What gave him away? But he rapidly discovers that no, he really can't think about any of that right now. If he does, he's sure he'll lose the battle and start bawling, and he really doesn't want that. So instead, face pale, he shakes his head as if to scatter thoughts of blame and guilt and decades-old self-hatred.
He lets out an uneven sigh and, not sure how else to express his gratitude for Ginsberg's patience, curls forward in his direction, resting his head on Ginsberg's shoulder. Not quite hugging him, but getting into his space, as if he wouldn't mind being hugged. What Ginsberg said about dealing with it by himself strikes a chord and he admits, quietly, "Never actually told anyone all that, before."
Ned doesn't quite know what to do, in response to that hand on his shoulder. He understands the impulse behind the gesture, but his reaction to it is not ingrained, has to be processed consciously as an unfamiliar situation. At least now Ginsberg will have a framework for why he responds differently to certain things than the average person.
And it seems that Ginsberg understands that that was what he was aiming for. He wasn't looking for pity, or attention; he just wanted to give Ginsberg an idea where he comes from.
The comment about him not deserving it catches him off-guard. He'd never even brought up the topic of deserving it or not, so how had Ginsberg intuited or guessed or reasoned out that he does think he deserved it? What gave him away? But he rapidly discovers that no, he really can't think about any of that right now. If he does, he's sure he'll lose the battle and start bawling, and he really doesn't want that. So instead, face pale, he shakes his head as if to scatter thoughts of blame and guilt and decades-old self-hatred.
He lets out an uneven sigh and, not sure how else to express his gratitude for Ginsberg's patience, curls forward in his direction, resting his head on Ginsberg's shoulder. Not quite hugging him, but getting into his space, as if he wouldn't mind being hugged. What Ginsberg said about dealing with it by himself strikes a chord and he admits, quietly, "Never actually told anyone all that, before."
Edited 2013-10-27 05:41 (UTC)
"You mean you've been thinking about all of that for however many years and never brought it up with anybody? That's enough to drive a guy crazy. Not that I'm calling you crazy, that's not what I mean, it's just... I don't actually know if talking about this kinda stuff makes anyone feel better, but I hope you don't feel worse now that you said it."
There's a not-so-comfortable part of himself that realizes that he's a horrible hypocrite for encouraging Ned to talk about all of this upsetting, emotional, heart-wrenching stuff -- if not explicitly, then at least implicitly -- when he himself rarely gets into the really deep, dark recesses of his own traumatic memories. Sure, it's easy enough to casually toss out a comment about being irritated with his father for his overprotective nature, or even to divulge that his mother died when he was very young, because none of that goes into great depth. For someone who's so open and frank, most of the time, he's learned the hard way that, for the most part, people don't really want to hear about his past, don't know what to do with it. The only person he'd talked to about it at work had been Peggy, and her response had been understandably confused, understandably shaken.
It's hard to justify sitting here and telling Ned that not talking about things can drive a guy crazy, when he himself doesn't talk about a lot of stuff, but then, maybe that's the reason he knows, firsthand, all about how isolated and adrift stuff like that can make you feel. Because Ned's in his space, wordlessly indicating that he's comfortable with some kind of physical contact, he's more than happy to wrap his arms around him again, squeezing him tightly; he's a hell of a lot better at that than he is at comforting words, which Ned's probably noticed by now.
"You can tell me stuff, if you want. Other stuff, in the future, I mean. If there is other stuff. I'm not saying you have to tell me stuff or that I'll be offended if you don't tell me stuff. But if you want to, you can. Open offer."
There's a not-so-comfortable part of himself that realizes that he's a horrible hypocrite for encouraging Ned to talk about all of this upsetting, emotional, heart-wrenching stuff -- if not explicitly, then at least implicitly -- when he himself rarely gets into the really deep, dark recesses of his own traumatic memories. Sure, it's easy enough to casually toss out a comment about being irritated with his father for his overprotective nature, or even to divulge that his mother died when he was very young, because none of that goes into great depth. For someone who's so open and frank, most of the time, he's learned the hard way that, for the most part, people don't really want to hear about his past, don't know what to do with it. The only person he'd talked to about it at work had been Peggy, and her response had been understandably confused, understandably shaken.
It's hard to justify sitting here and telling Ned that not talking about things can drive a guy crazy, when he himself doesn't talk about a lot of stuff, but then, maybe that's the reason he knows, firsthand, all about how isolated and adrift stuff like that can make you feel. Because Ned's in his space, wordlessly indicating that he's comfortable with some kind of physical contact, he's more than happy to wrap his arms around him again, squeezing him tightly; he's a hell of a lot better at that than he is at comforting words, which Ned's probably noticed by now.
"You can tell me stuff, if you want. Other stuff, in the future, I mean. If there is other stuff. I'm not saying you have to tell me stuff or that I'll be offended if you don't tell me stuff. But if you want to, you can. Open offer."
"I don't feel worse," Ned says, quietly, and he's surprised to find that it is true. It had been painful listening to Ginsberg speak earlier - painful enough to make him lash out, to push him into spilling the secret. But now that he has, there's an odd sense of relief. He'd always thought the best option was to never mention his father or mother beyond what was strictly necessary, to keep himself insulated from pain by avoidance. But (as tonight has demonstrated) avoidance doesn't always work, and there's something almost like the sense of unburdening of confession, in telling Ginsberg about it. It reminds Ned that, for some unfathomable reason, he's ended up with a friend who is willing to listen. With a friend who would make the offer that Ginsberg made, and really, truly mean it.
He presses closer to Ginsberg, not quite sure if he should return the hug, settles for clinging to the front of Ginsberg's shirt in a way that will probably embarrass him, if he thinks back on it later. Ned is profoundly unused to this kind of physical affection, and it's clear from his every movement that he's starved for it. Ginsberg might be less experienced than him in terms of sexual experience, but this kind of platonic, comforting closeness is something he's gone without for a long time.
"There's other stuff," he murmurs, somewhat ominously, because he wants Ginsberg to be prepared. Ned knows that he's a labyrinth of neuroses and traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms. But the question is, what does he want to tell Ginsberg, and what does he want to keep hidden? It's such a paradigm shift, to imagine himself disclosing rather than concealing, trusting rather than fearing, etcetera.
After a long beat of silence, he says, "I think the worst part is I don't hate him. I want to. I tried to, for years. But I don't. I just miss him."
He presses closer to Ginsberg, not quite sure if he should return the hug, settles for clinging to the front of Ginsberg's shirt in a way that will probably embarrass him, if he thinks back on it later. Ned is profoundly unused to this kind of physical affection, and it's clear from his every movement that he's starved for it. Ginsberg might be less experienced than him in terms of sexual experience, but this kind of platonic, comforting closeness is something he's gone without for a long time.
"There's other stuff," he murmurs, somewhat ominously, because he wants Ginsberg to be prepared. Ned knows that he's a labyrinth of neuroses and traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms. But the question is, what does he want to tell Ginsberg, and what does he want to keep hidden? It's such a paradigm shift, to imagine himself disclosing rather than concealing, trusting rather than fearing, etcetera.
After a long beat of silence, he says, "I think the worst part is I don't hate him. I want to. I tried to, for years. But I don't. I just miss him."
He doesn't always have the chance to be physically affectionate, because he's not really close to anyone, and it's clear from the warm, completely unabashed way he gives it to Ned that he's more than happy to provide it here. If it's meant to be embarrassing, somehow, the way Ned's clinging to his shirt, it doesn't occur to him. No, he's just happy that Ned feels comfortable enough with him to stay close, to not scoot away or completely shut down the conversation. It's always a balancing act, trying to talk about this kind of thing without pushing someone too far, and he's never been too great at erring on the side of caution. He's almost surprised to find that Ned seems to be taking the comfort so well, because he's still questioning whether he's doing it right or very, very wrong.
"It makes sense to me. That you don't hate him. I mean, it's hard to hate somebody when there's no..." He frowns, pulling Ned a little closer, trying to think of a word. He's still inclined to characterize Ned's father as an asshole, but knowing that Ned misses him makes him all the more likely to recognize that he has to tread carefully in doing so. If Ned hated the man, that would be one thing, and they could rail against him together, but that's obviously not what's going on here. This is even more complex. He bites his lip thoughtfully.
"I'm not sure if you've ever talked to a psychoanalyst, but believe me, I have, and I think a whole lot of it is total bullshit, or blatantly obvious drivel that you end up paying way too much for, but I mean, they talk about closure a lot, and I guess some of that makes sense. Of course you're going to miss someone you never had any real 'closure' with, whatever the hell that means. I don't know, honestly, I'm not good at this kind of thing, and your ominous warning that there's other stuff is more applicable to me, too, than you can possibly guess, but hey, I don't think you're crazy for any of the way you feel. Although that's coming from a kind of crazy guy, so I'm not sure whether you should take that as being particularly reassuring."
Yeah, maybe he just shouldn't try talking, and should stick to the physical affection. That might be better.
"It makes sense to me. That you don't hate him. I mean, it's hard to hate somebody when there's no..." He frowns, pulling Ned a little closer, trying to think of a word. He's still inclined to characterize Ned's father as an asshole, but knowing that Ned misses him makes him all the more likely to recognize that he has to tread carefully in doing so. If Ned hated the man, that would be one thing, and they could rail against him together, but that's obviously not what's going on here. This is even more complex. He bites his lip thoughtfully.
"I'm not sure if you've ever talked to a psychoanalyst, but believe me, I have, and I think a whole lot of it is total bullshit, or blatantly obvious drivel that you end up paying way too much for, but I mean, they talk about closure a lot, and I guess some of that makes sense. Of course you're going to miss someone you never had any real 'closure' with, whatever the hell that means. I don't know, honestly, I'm not good at this kind of thing, and your ominous warning that there's other stuff is more applicable to me, too, than you can possibly guess, but hey, I don't think you're crazy for any of the way you feel. Although that's coming from a kind of crazy guy, so I'm not sure whether you should take that as being particularly reassuring."
Yeah, maybe he just shouldn't try talking, and should stick to the physical affection. That might be better.
He feels a touch guilty at how glad that Ginsberg, too, has other stuff. Some of it Ned's had a glimpse of: his father not being his 'real' father, never having met his mother, putting up with constant surveillance, and apparently being sent to a psychoanalyst. Some of it, he's sure, he has no notion of. It would be wrong to say that he's happy, precisely, that Ginsberg has his own helping of problems, but it eases him. It's a kind of solidarity Ned is unaccustomed to.
"You're doing it again," he murmurs, "Being nice to me. It's very alarming." But from the touch of tentative humor and gratitude in his voice, Ned is anything but alarmed. Cautious, maybe, but that's hardly Ginsberg's fault.
Ned swallows, his heartbeat finally beginning to slow down to a more normal rate. "Same deal. You can tell me stuff, too, I mean. If and when you want. I don't... I'd hate it if you thought just because I freaked out just now that you can never talk about your dad in front of me or I'll flip my lid. That was uh- a one time thing. Promise."
"You're doing it again," he murmurs, "Being nice to me. It's very alarming." But from the touch of tentative humor and gratitude in his voice, Ned is anything but alarmed. Cautious, maybe, but that's hardly Ginsberg's fault.
Ned swallows, his heartbeat finally beginning to slow down to a more normal rate. "Same deal. You can tell me stuff, too, I mean. If and when you want. I don't... I'd hate it if you thought just because I freaked out just now that you can never talk about your dad in front of me or I'll flip my lid. That was uh- a one time thing. Promise."
"You'd probably better get used to me being nice to you," he says, smiling a little, because he can hear the gratitude in Ned's voice, and he likes it, likes that he can bring some happiness to Ned's day, however momentarily. "Because I intend to keep being nice to you. It's about the only way I can balance out being an insensitive loudmouth the rest of the time, right? Well, that and I like being nice to you, but I'm also hoping my being nice will make up for some of my, uh, countless flaws in my ability to talk to someone without upsetting them."
Because despite Ned's offer that he can talk to him any time -- and he doesn't think the offer is false in any way -- he's well aware, now, that there's an emotional charge to the discussion of fathers that he hadn't been privy to before. He may be hopelessly blunt, and very likely to complain about his own father again (old habits die hard, after all, and he's been complaining about his father ever since he met the guy) but he does understand now why it might bother Ned, and he vows to handle it just a little bit better in the future.
"Yeah, sure, sometime I'll tell you stuff," he says, with a flippant little quirk of his mouth that completely minimizes how serious anything he could have to tell would be, "and then you'd run screaming in terror, most likely."
Ned's glad he has both Ginsberg's interest and his trust. He lets himself be nudged towards the bed, falling onto it with a contented laugh when the backs of his legs hit the edge. With a quick and not particularly dignified wriggle, he rids himself of the rest of his clothes, leaves them on a heap on the floor.
The only logical next step is to sit up again and help Ginsberg catch up. Ned's never had any particular anatomical fixations, but he has to admit that Ginsberg has a great ass; he gets in a not-so-subtle grope in the process of helping the other man out of his pants. He might not be drunk, he feels giddy and light-headed as he pulls Ginsberg down on top of him, arching up to meet him like a wave.
"I love your hair," he murmurs, running both hands through it, because apparently he's reached that particular state of mind where small endearments and compliments spill from his lips without ever checking in with his brain, first.
But he needs his brain, needs to stay present for the time being. He can't quite lose himself yet. So, with a small internal check on himself, Ned clears his throat. "Okay, I'm going to walk you though this."
The only logical next step is to sit up again and help Ginsberg catch up. Ned's never had any particular anatomical fixations, but he has to admit that Ginsberg has a great ass; he gets in a not-so-subtle grope in the process of helping the other man out of his pants. He might not be drunk, he feels giddy and light-headed as he pulls Ginsberg down on top of him, arching up to meet him like a wave.
"I love your hair," he murmurs, running both hands through it, because apparently he's reached that particular state of mind where small endearments and compliments spill from his lips without ever checking in with his brain, first.
But he needs his brain, needs to stay present for the time being. He can't quite lose himself yet. So, with a small internal check on himself, Ned clears his throat. "Okay, I'm going to walk you though this."
Ned thinks (without a hint of irony) that for the kindness Ginsberg is offering him now, he'd be willing to put up with a lot more than just the occasional moment of loudmouthed insensitivity. If he looked too hard at that inclination, he'd probably see that it might not be the healthiest attitude to have. Would probably see that it, too, is threaded through with the self-doubt and belief that he deserves to have everyone leave him sooner or later.
"Doubt it," Ned says, and his voice is increasingly normal, so that there's a hint of humor and challenge in that. At the same time, he's serious, really does mean it. After all, as far as Ned's concerned, no amount of having gone through bad things would drive him away, and as for doing bad things, he suspects the worst thing Ginsberg's ever done wouldn't even register on the chart of what he has.
"And don't be so hard on yourself," he adds, detaching one hand to poke Ginsberg very lightly in the stomach reproachfully, "Everybody's got flaws, and a kitten could've upset me, today. And by could, I mean did."
"Doubt it," Ned says, and his voice is increasingly normal, so that there's a hint of humor and challenge in that. At the same time, he's serious, really does mean it. After all, as far as Ned's concerned, no amount of having gone through bad things would drive him away, and as for doing bad things, he suspects the worst thing Ginsberg's ever done wouldn't even register on the chart of what he has.
"And don't be so hard on yourself," he adds, detaching one hand to poke Ginsberg very lightly in the stomach reproachfully, "Everybody's got flaws, and a kitten could've upset me, today. And by could, I mean did."
It's amazing just what a smile a simple statement like Ned liking his hair can put on his face, and he absolutely cannot control the ridiculous grin that spreads across his face when Ned says it. "I love your... everything," he says, and although it sounds completely over the top and inarticulate, he really means it. He can't think of any part of Ned that seems lacking in any way; as far as he's concerned, the other man is just about physically perfect.
As soon as he's pulled down on top of Ned, his hands are everywhere, just like they'd been the last time they'd done this, greedy to explore every part of Ned he possibly can, like he's trying to memorize his whole body. The way Ned arches up against him makes him shiver in response, makes him catch his breath a little and then let it out in a small laugh, a noise that's just as self-deprecating as it is excited. He knows he gets overly excited about most things, and this is probably one of those things, but he just can't stop himself. It's all so new and so overwhelming, he can barely think straight.
"Yeah," he says, in response to Ned's next statement, "Yeah, I'd really... I wanna do everything right, so you have to show me, because you definitely did it right, so you can probably teach me. I hope." He desperately doesn't want to be a failure, but what he'd said was true: he really does trust Ned. So he leans down for another kiss, and then kisses Ned's neck and collarbone, too, because why not? He'd like to kiss everywhere, if he could.
As soon as he's pulled down on top of Ned, his hands are everywhere, just like they'd been the last time they'd done this, greedy to explore every part of Ned he possibly can, like he's trying to memorize his whole body. The way Ned arches up against him makes him shiver in response, makes him catch his breath a little and then let it out in a small laugh, a noise that's just as self-deprecating as it is excited. He knows he gets overly excited about most things, and this is probably one of those things, but he just can't stop himself. It's all so new and so overwhelming, he can barely think straight.
"Yeah," he says, in response to Ned's next statement, "Yeah, I'd really... I wanna do everything right, so you have to show me, because you definitely did it right, so you can probably teach me. I hope." He desperately doesn't want to be a failure, but what he'd said was true: he really does trust Ned. So he leans down for another kiss, and then kisses Ned's neck and collarbone, too, because why not? He'd like to kiss everywhere, if he could.
"I'm not sure if I should be offended or pleased that I'm equally as scary as a kitten. I mean, kittens can be pretty terrifying, I guess. Unless that's an editorial statement about how cute I am, in which case, I definitely like it."
He's glad to see that Ned seems to be regaining some of his humor, and although he's obviously not completely back to normal -- probably won't be until the day's over with, he'd bet -- it's a good sign that Ned can joke around with him. Maybe that means the worst of it's over, and it's going to get better from here. He sure hopes so. That's why he's here, isn't it, to make things better? He can't fail Ned now.
And, of course, the appropriate response to being poked in the stomach is to poke Ned back, although he can't quite reach his stomach, so he settles for poking him in the upper arm, not too hard, but teasingly, figuring that since Ned started it, he can't not return the gesture. Besides, it's another excuse for physical contact, which Ned seems to be soaking up at the moment, like he desperately needs it but isn't quite sure how to ask for it.
He's glad to see that Ned seems to be regaining some of his humor, and although he's obviously not completely back to normal -- probably won't be until the day's over with, he'd bet -- it's a good sign that Ned can joke around with him. Maybe that means the worst of it's over, and it's going to get better from here. He sure hopes so. That's why he's here, isn't it, to make things better? He can't fail Ned now.
And, of course, the appropriate response to being poked in the stomach is to poke Ned back, although he can't quite reach his stomach, so he settles for poking him in the upper arm, not too hard, but teasingly, figuring that since Ned started it, he can't not return the gesture. Besides, it's another excuse for physical contact, which Ned seems to be soaking up at the moment, like he desperately needs it but isn't quite sure how to ask for it.
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