Ned thinks, sometimes, that there's an inertia to his emotions. That it can take a deal of effort to get them going, but once they are, it takes a much greater effort to stop them. He feels as if he is hurtling forward without brakes, without an idea of how to disengage all that hurt and unhappiness and just answer Ginsberg's question like a normal human being.
He rakes his hands through his hair, feels paralyzed by half a dozen unappealing choices. Which one of them is the least likely to make Ginsberg head for the door and never come back? He buries his face in his hands.
"You shouldn't apologize. It's my fault. I should never have asked you over, when I'm like this. I can't expect you to- how are you supposed to know what not to say if I don't tell you?" That inertia is carrying him forward, his words coming at an increasing speed, "I'm sorry I snapped at you. Touchy subject. If you hadn't guessed." It was meant to be a joke, but it's a feeble stab at humor.
And at this point, why not just tell him? Ginsberg must have guessed already it's related to his father. He's not stupid. Maybe if Ned just tells him, he'll understand that it's not in the vein of common petty resentments, that his overreaction is, if not justified, comprehensible.
"I never had any of that." His voice cracks again, the words coming tumbling out in a rush, like a dam bursting, "No one wondered why I didn't have a date to prom, or tried to set me up, or asked me stupid questions about my life. I guess the reason why I don't get you wanting to be left alone is I've been on my own since I was nine and I'd give anything just to have a father who remembers I exist."
He can feel his shoulders shaking, the cracks in his facade getting wider. This has been coming all day. His mistake was to invite Ginsberg here to witness it. There's no way he'll want to stick around after this, Ned thinks, with almost a kind of triumph that his earlier dire prophecy is fulfilling itself. He'll be disgusted and irritated, maybe with a dash of pity (since he's such a great guy). He'll leave and never call again and Ned won't have anyone to blame but himself.
As these thoughts are circling he keeps talking, almost without being conscious of what he says, "A week after my mother died, he left me at the boarding school and told me he'd be back, only that was a lie. He didn't come back. Or write. Or call. For a year. Then he sent a postcard," here Ned's voice grows suddenly bitter, "One of those pre-printed ones, that people send to everyone they know when they move, with their new address. So I thought... he wanted a new house to start over in, one that wouldn't remind him-" Ned breaks off, with a little shake of his head, expression momentarily wavering closer to tears before he pulls the threads of his composure back in place, "I snuck out of school to surprise him. I thought I'd get there before he could even leave to come pick me up. But when I got there he had a new wife and new sons, so it kind of ruined my big gesture. He was never going to come pick me up. He didn't even fucking recognize me."
There's an uncharacteristic stillness to Ginsberg now, as he sits there and listens to what Ned's saying, because he recognizes, even before Ned gets into the truly emotional parts of the story, that this is important, that it shouldn't be interrupted by fidgeting or asking irrelevant questions or even by saying those little things you say during conversation simply to keep it rolling. Emotion like this doesn't need encouragement, after all, and no amount of "mmhmms" or "uh huhs" will make it any easier for Ned to talk about it. So he's quiet, and still, and listens to what Ned has to say.
Even once Ned is done speaking, though, there're a million thoughts rushing around in his mind, and he has to sit silently for another several moments, during which he hopes Ned doesn't decide to suddenly kick him out for not responding appropriately, now that he's divulged all of this information. Finally, when he does speak, it's a little less frantic and exuberant than usual. "I'm sorry," he says, even though Ned had told him not to apologize, because he's not apologizing for anything he did now, he's apologizing for what had obviously been so painful -- still is so painful -- for Ned. Without meaning to, he'd dragged up all kinds of memories, unpleasantries that Ned had likely been trying to avoid throughout the whole day.
There isn't much he can say, he doesn't think, not anything that won't ring false, at least, and not anything that won't be potentially offensive (he wants, very much, to burst out with a "what an asshole!" comment at the end of Ned's explanation about his father, but he literally bites his tongue to avoid from doing so, because he knows full well that regardless of how harshly someone might speak of their parents, it's almost never productive to denigrate them.) He reaches one hand forward, almost tentatively, sets it on Ned's shoulder, not pushing some kind of suffocating embrace on him -- he doesn't know him well enough yet to know how he'll take it, whether it will be comforting or just stifling.
"Talking about that kinda stuff..." He takes a deep breath, tries to take any hint of pity out of his voice, because he doesn't pity Ned, and pity is one of those feelings that nobody appreciates receiving, even if it's meant well. "... You didn't have to explain yourself to me, but knowing where you're coming from... I'm glad you did. I know that probably makes me selfish because you had to talk about all of that and it's obviously upset you and you were trying to avoid all of this and I came in here and made you talk about it anyway, but you know -- or you should know, if you don't know, and me saying it doesn't help but I'm going to say it anyway because I can't keep my goddamn mouth shut -- you know that you didn't deserve what your father did."
Does that change anything? He doubts it. He knows all too well how meaningless words like that can be, even if they're meant from a place of compassion, which his are. "I'm glad you asked me over. Even when you're like this. Believe me, I've seen worse. I've been worse. How're you supposed to deal with it if you have to deal with it by yourself all the time? That gets pretty exhausting." Another deep breath, and then: "Okay, I'm pretty sure I've said way too much, and I've probably upset you again, and that really isn't my intention, but it's not something I'm so great at avoiding, in case you hadn't noticed, and I'm going to shut up now."
Those moments of silence after he's finished speaking (or rather, cut himself off before his story gets any more pathetic - Ginsberg really doesn't need to know how that night ended, with him sobbing himself to sleep on the floor of his gutted childhood home) are excruciating. Just as Ginsberg is anticipating Ned will throw him out any second, Ned is anticipating Ginsberg will make his polite excuses and a hasty retreat. But he doesn't.
Ned doesn't quite know what to do, in response to that hand on his shoulder. He understands the impulse behind the gesture, but his reaction to it is not ingrained, has to be processed consciously as an unfamiliar situation. At least now Ginsberg will have a framework for why he responds differently to certain things than the average person.
And it seems that Ginsberg understands that that was what he was aiming for. He wasn't looking for pity, or attention; he just wanted to give Ginsberg an idea where he comes from.
The comment about him not deserving it catches him off-guard. He'd never even brought up the topic of deserving it or not, so how had Ginsberg intuited or guessed or reasoned out that he does think he deserved it? What gave him away? But he rapidly discovers that no, he really can't think about any of that right now. If he does, he's sure he'll lose the battle and start bawling, and he really doesn't want that. So instead, face pale, he shakes his head as if to scatter thoughts of blame and guilt and decades-old self-hatred.
He lets out an uneven sigh and, not sure how else to express his gratitude for Ginsberg's patience, curls forward in his direction, resting his head on Ginsberg's shoulder. Not quite hugging him, but getting into his space, as if he wouldn't mind being hugged. What Ginsberg said about dealing with it by himself strikes a chord and he admits, quietly, "Never actually told anyone all that, before."
"You mean you've been thinking about all of that for however many years and never brought it up with anybody? That's enough to drive a guy crazy. Not that I'm calling you crazy, that's not what I mean, it's just... I don't actually know if talking about this kinda stuff makes anyone feel better, but I hope you don't feel worse now that you said it."
There's a not-so-comfortable part of himself that realizes that he's a horrible hypocrite for encouraging Ned to talk about all of this upsetting, emotional, heart-wrenching stuff -- if not explicitly, then at least implicitly -- when he himself rarely gets into the really deep, dark recesses of his own traumatic memories. Sure, it's easy enough to casually toss out a comment about being irritated with his father for his overprotective nature, or even to divulge that his mother died when he was very young, because none of that goes into great depth. For someone who's so open and frank, most of the time, he's learned the hard way that, for the most part, people don't really want to hear about his past, don't know what to do with it. The only person he'd talked to about it at work had been Peggy, and her response had been understandably confused, understandably shaken.
It's hard to justify sitting here and telling Ned that not talking about things can drive a guy crazy, when he himself doesn't talk about a lot of stuff, but then, maybe that's the reason he knows, firsthand, all about how isolated and adrift stuff like that can make you feel. Because Ned's in his space, wordlessly indicating that he's comfortable with some kind of physical contact, he's more than happy to wrap his arms around him again, squeezing him tightly; he's a hell of a lot better at that than he is at comforting words, which Ned's probably noticed by now.
"You can tell me stuff, if you want. Other stuff, in the future, I mean. If there is other stuff. I'm not saying you have to tell me stuff or that I'll be offended if you don't tell me stuff. But if you want to, you can. Open offer."
"I don't feel worse," Ned says, quietly, and he's surprised to find that it is true. It had been painful listening to Ginsberg speak earlier - painful enough to make him lash out, to push him into spilling the secret. But now that he has, there's an odd sense of relief. He'd always thought the best option was to never mention his father or mother beyond what was strictly necessary, to keep himself insulated from pain by avoidance. But (as tonight has demonstrated) avoidance doesn't always work, and there's something almost like the sense of unburdening of confession, in telling Ginsberg about it. It reminds Ned that, for some unfathomable reason, he's ended up with a friend who is willing to listen. With a friend who would make the offer that Ginsberg made, and really, truly mean it.
He presses closer to Ginsberg, not quite sure if he should return the hug, settles for clinging to the front of Ginsberg's shirt in a way that will probably embarrass him, if he thinks back on it later. Ned is profoundly unused to this kind of physical affection, and it's clear from his every movement that he's starved for it. Ginsberg might be less experienced than him in terms of sexual experience, but this kind of platonic, comforting closeness is something he's gone without for a long time.
"There's other stuff," he murmurs, somewhat ominously, because he wants Ginsberg to be prepared. Ned knows that he's a labyrinth of neuroses and traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms. But the question is, what does he want to tell Ginsberg, and what does he want to keep hidden? It's such a paradigm shift, to imagine himself disclosing rather than concealing, trusting rather than fearing, etcetera.
After a long beat of silence, he says, "I think the worst part is I don't hate him. I want to. I tried to, for years. But I don't. I just miss him."
He doesn't always have the chance to be physically affectionate, because he's not really close to anyone, and it's clear from the warm, completely unabashed way he gives it to Ned that he's more than happy to provide it here. If it's meant to be embarrassing, somehow, the way Ned's clinging to his shirt, it doesn't occur to him. No, he's just happy that Ned feels comfortable enough with him to stay close, to not scoot away or completely shut down the conversation. It's always a balancing act, trying to talk about this kind of thing without pushing someone too far, and he's never been too great at erring on the side of caution. He's almost surprised to find that Ned seems to be taking the comfort so well, because he's still questioning whether he's doing it right or very, very wrong.
"It makes sense to me. That you don't hate him. I mean, it's hard to hate somebody when there's no..." He frowns, pulling Ned a little closer, trying to think of a word. He's still inclined to characterize Ned's father as an asshole, but knowing that Ned misses him makes him all the more likely to recognize that he has to tread carefully in doing so. If Ned hated the man, that would be one thing, and they could rail against him together, but that's obviously not what's going on here. This is even more complex. He bites his lip thoughtfully.
"I'm not sure if you've ever talked to a psychoanalyst, but believe me, I have, and I think a whole lot of it is total bullshit, or blatantly obvious drivel that you end up paying way too much for, but I mean, they talk about closure a lot, and I guess some of that makes sense. Of course you're going to miss someone you never had any real 'closure' with, whatever the hell that means. I don't know, honestly, I'm not good at this kind of thing, and your ominous warning that there's other stuff is more applicable to me, too, than you can possibly guess, but hey, I don't think you're crazy for any of the way you feel. Although that's coming from a kind of crazy guy, so I'm not sure whether you should take that as being particularly reassuring."
Yeah, maybe he just shouldn't try talking, and should stick to the physical affection. That might be better.
He feels a touch guilty at how glad that Ginsberg, too, has other stuff. Some of it Ned's had a glimpse of: his father not being his 'real' father, never having met his mother, putting up with constant surveillance, and apparently being sent to a psychoanalyst. Some of it, he's sure, he has no notion of. It would be wrong to say that he's happy, precisely, that Ginsberg has his own helping of problems, but it eases him. It's a kind of solidarity Ned is unaccustomed to.
"You're doing it again," he murmurs, "Being nice to me. It's very alarming." But from the touch of tentative humor and gratitude in his voice, Ned is anything but alarmed. Cautious, maybe, but that's hardly Ginsberg's fault.
Ned swallows, his heartbeat finally beginning to slow down to a more normal rate. "Same deal. You can tell me stuff, too, I mean. If and when you want. I don't... I'd hate it if you thought just because I freaked out just now that you can never talk about your dad in front of me or I'll flip my lid. That was uh- a one time thing. Promise."
"You'd probably better get used to me being nice to you," he says, smiling
a little, because he can hear the gratitude in Ned's voice, and he likes
it, likes that he can bring some happiness to Ned's day, however
momentarily. "Because I intend to keep being nice to you. It's about the
only way I can balance out being an insensitive loudmouth the rest of the
time, right? Well, that and I like being nice to you, but I'm also hoping
my being nice will make up for some of my, uh, countless flaws in my
ability to talk to someone without upsetting them."
Because despite Ned's offer that he can talk to him any time -- and he
doesn't think the offer is false in any way -- he's well aware, now, that
there's an emotional charge to the discussion of fathers that he hadn't
been privy to before. He may be hopelessly blunt, and very likely to
complain about his own father again (old habits die hard, after all, and
he's been complaining about his father ever since he met the guy) but he
does understand now why it might bother Ned, and he vows to handle it just
a little bit better in the future.
"Yeah, sure, sometime I'll tell you stuff," he says, with a flippant little
quirk of his mouth that completely minimizes how serious anything he could
have to tell would be, "and then you'd run screaming in terror, most
likely."
Ned thinks (without a hint of irony) that for the kindness Ginsberg is offering him now, he'd be willing to put up with a lot more than just the occasional moment of loudmouthed insensitivity. If he looked too hard at that inclination, he'd probably see that it might not be the healthiest attitude to have. Would probably see that it, too, is threaded through with the self-doubt and belief that he deserves to have everyone leave him sooner or later.
"Doubt it," Ned says, and his voice is increasingly normal, so that there's a hint of humor and challenge in that. At the same time, he's serious, really does mean it. After all, as far as Ned's concerned, no amount of having gone through bad things would drive him away, and as for doing bad things, he suspects the worst thing Ginsberg's ever done wouldn't even register on the chart of what he has.
"And don't be so hard on yourself," he adds, detaching one hand to poke Ginsberg very lightly in the stomach reproachfully, "Everybody's got flaws, and a kitten could've upset me, today. And by could, I mean did."
"I'm not sure if I should be offended or pleased that I'm equally as scary as a kitten. I mean, kittens can be pretty terrifying, I guess. Unless that's an editorial statement about how cute I am, in which case, I definitely like it."
He's glad to see that Ned seems to be regaining some of his humor, and although he's obviously not completely back to normal -- probably won't be until the day's over with, he'd bet -- it's a good sign that Ned can joke around with him. Maybe that means the worst of it's over, and it's going to get better from here. He sure hopes so. That's why he's here, isn't it, to make things better? He can't fail Ned now.
And, of course, the appropriate response to being poked in the stomach is to poke Ned back, although he can't quite reach his stomach, so he settles for poking him in the upper arm, not too hard, but teasingly, figuring that since Ned started it, he can't not return the gesture. Besides, it's another excuse for physical contact, which Ned seems to be soaking up at the moment, like he desperately needs it but isn't quite sure how to ask for it.
"Well. You are pretty cute." Ned might not have intended the statement as a commentary on Ginsberg's potential kitten-like qualities, but he's certainly not afraid to go there retroactively. Slowly, that knot in his chest is loosening, and he finds that he feels better than he has since he woke up this morning. Not yet good, exactly, but at least some portion of happiness has insinuated itself past his defenses to lie alongside the sadness.
"And-" he adds, as if sensing the other man's thoughts, "-you give great hugs. Which is saying something, because I'm not usually a fan." He rests his cheek on Ginsberg's shoulder, can't help but wonder how what he's learned about Ned tonight will color the way he sees him from now on. Even a remark as small as that one becomes weighted, he imagines, with a variety of meanings and possibilities. What he knows will confirm what he probably already picked up on; that Ned is unaccustomed to being hugged.
"Not a fan of hugs?" he asks, faux-shocked, as if he's never heard something so ridiculous, but truthfully, he thinks, he understands it, based on what Ned's told him about his past now. An absent father, and a mother that had died, probably hadn't given him much opportunity for hugging. And it makes sense now, too, that Ned had gone to boarding school, and he highly doubts he got many hugs there, either.
"Well," he says, snuggling Ned a little closer, trying to be as affectionate as possible without stifling him -- because he knows that for someone who isn't usually a fan of hugs, too much contact can be just as bad as not enough -- "There's a couple things I'm good at. I think hugging is one of them. I don't get much of a chance to do it, though, because would you believe it, but people're not usually fond of getting hugged randomly, especially at work. I've almost done it a couple times, but it just never goes over well."
"What, really?" Ned asks with just a dash of sarcasm, but it's softened by the fact that he's smiling - really smiling, on that day, of all days. How like Ginsberg that is, though, he thinks. Getting the urge to hug people at work, even if he does manage to restrain himself. There's such an energy, such a flamboyance to him that Ned envies at times. He's not like that - whether by nature or by long practice he doesn't know. He thinks it might be the latter. That for so many years he had suppressed and withheld himself, had bleached out all (or most) outward show of eccentricities, that he's stuck that way. So it's nice, to be near Ginsberg, with all his flair. To appreciate it, the way it ought to be appreciated.
"I'm better at them than I used to be." Curious, how easy it is to say these kinds of things, tucked up against Ginsberg like this, the two of them locked up here, away from the messy confusing painful world. "A lot, actually. I used to- well, I couldn't stand them. Or touching people in general. For a long time." It's something he still has trouble with, on occasion, but not now. His sensitivity to it varies from day to day, and sometimes in larger arcs. He's gone through months on end when he couldn't bear it, followed by periods of relative indifference, only to slip back into avoiding touch at all costs. Ned's given up hoping for any kind of permanent progress. As an afterthought, he adds, "Touching you is nice, though." Just so Ginsberg's clear on that.
"Well, you're doing a good job of it right now. I didn't used to like them when I was younger, either. Didn't hug, didn't talk... I was a pretty boring little kid, I think. Or just a weird one."
Funny, now, to think back on that little kid he'd been, when his father had found him. He'd been so quiet, so withdrawn, so shut off from everything, and now look at him. He's sure Ned's noticed by now the enthusiastic way he flings himself at the world, arms wide open, even if the world just keeps rejecting him in a variety of ways. It's hard, he thinks, for anyone to imagine him as being normal, not so loud and flamboyant, not so willing to engage in conflict; he wouldn't believe it about himself, either, except that he'd experienced it.
"Touching you's nice, too," he says, and he means it vehemently, because it's even nicer than touching other people he's had the chance to touch. That's always been so fleeting, and Ned's snuggled up to him right now, not seeming like he's about to rush off in a hurry. And Ned's warm, and comforting, and of course it doesn't hurt that he's handsome, too.
Not boring, Ned thinks. As someone who used to be the quietest kid, who refused to interact any more than was strictly necessary, he thinks he knows that Ginsberg had a lot more going on under the surface than people could imagine.
"Can you stay over?" he asks, tries to phrase it as an idle question, without pressure or neediness. He's not quite sure he succeeds, which is why he adds, "I understand if you can't, like if you need to get home or you've got an extra busy day at work tomorrow or you just don't want to-"
He nods, smiles, can't quite hide the fact that he's almost overjoyed in being asked to stay, because he'd been hoping that's what Ned would ask him, been hoping that he'd have a chance to comfort Ned for a prolonged period of time. "Yeah, I'd like to stay."
But because Ned had put all of those qualifications on it, he feels the need to address them all, one by one, ticking off the reasons on his fingers why those possible outs Ned had given him don't apply at all. "There's no reason I'd need to be at home, work is always busy, but if other people can come to work stoned, I can come to work after staying over with someone, and as for not wanting to, now I do think you're crazy. Of course I want to."
He laughs just a little at that; not because he thinks he is crazy, but because Ginsberg agrees so readily, so vehemently. Almost like he really does want to be here. Like everything he's been saying is true, and he doesn't mind seeing Ned in such a low moment.
"We should do something stupid like... watch a movie or play cards or... have you had dinner, I could cook you something?"
Cooking people food is, after all, one of the primary ways of showing affection that Ned knows. It's always worked for him, because it's something he's good at, something that bypasses all his insecurities and neuroses and lets him make people happy.
"We can do all of those things. At once, maybe, if you want, although that might take a lot of concentration, so maybe we should do them one after another. I haven't eaten yet, but you don't have to make me anything. Unless you're going to make something for yourself, in which case, I'd definitely eat something."
And he's not a particularly picky eater, either, although even if he were, he's sure that from what he's experienced of Ned's piemaking abilities, his cooking skills are just about perfect, too.
"We can put something on TV if you want. Something distracting. I bet there's a movie on."
Hopefully a movie that has nothing to do with Halloween.
"How about cooking first, TV after, and cards last." Ned knows he'll have to get up to make Ginsberg dinner, and he's actually happy about having a task, something to focus his mind on, someone to be with him. But that means moving out of his arms, and he's reluctant to do that. So he clings for just a minute more before, with a squeeze of gratitude, he pulls away, nods in the direction of the kitchen, wordlessly asking Ginsberg to follow.
Once they're there he starts pulling things from the cabinets, glad of the activity. As he does, he finds himself saying, "At the school I'd sneak out of bed all the time to cook at night. Most of the time I made pies, but I taught myself to make other stuff, too. This is a recipe I came up with when I was like, thirteen. Don't worry, though," Ned darts a glance over his shoulder, smiles, "It's good. You'll like it."
"Okay, sure, that sounds like a great plan. Anything you want."
Coming from someone else, that almost might come across as sounding sarcastic -- people very rarely say that unless they're being comically deferential or mocking someone, at least, in Ginsberg's experience -- but coming from him, he really means it. Whatever Ned thinks will be the best route towards feeling better is the route he wants to take, and he follows Ned willingly into the kitchen, grabbing one of the chairs from the table and turning it around to sit on it backwards, arms crossed across the back of it to watch Ned as he cooks.
"I like just about everything. And believe me, I trust that your cooking's good. It has to be better than mine, anyway. I mean, I try, but I can only manage the basics. You wouldn't be impressed."
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He rakes his hands through his hair, feels paralyzed by half a dozen unappealing choices. Which one of them is the least likely to make Ginsberg head for the door and never come back? He buries his face in his hands.
"You shouldn't apologize. It's my fault. I should never have asked you over, when I'm like this. I can't expect you to- how are you supposed to know what not to say if I don't tell you?" That inertia is carrying him forward, his words coming at an increasing speed, "I'm sorry I snapped at you. Touchy subject. If you hadn't guessed." It was meant to be a joke, but it's a feeble stab at humor.
And at this point, why not just tell him? Ginsberg must have guessed already it's related to his father. He's not stupid. Maybe if Ned just tells him, he'll understand that it's not in the vein of common petty resentments, that his overreaction is, if not justified, comprehensible.
"I never had any of that." His voice cracks again, the words coming tumbling out in a rush, like a dam bursting, "No one wondered why I didn't have a date to prom, or tried to set me up, or asked me stupid questions about my life. I guess the reason why I don't get you wanting to be left alone is I've been on my own since I was nine and I'd give anything just to have a father who remembers I exist."
He can feel his shoulders shaking, the cracks in his facade getting wider. This has been coming all day. His mistake was to invite Ginsberg here to witness it. There's no way he'll want to stick around after this, Ned thinks, with almost a kind of triumph that his earlier dire prophecy is fulfilling itself. He'll be disgusted and irritated, maybe with a dash of pity (since he's such a great guy). He'll leave and never call again and Ned won't have anyone to blame but himself.
As these thoughts are circling he keeps talking, almost without being conscious of what he says, "A week after my mother died, he left me at the boarding school and told me he'd be back, only that was a lie. He didn't come back. Or write. Or call. For a year. Then he sent a postcard," here Ned's voice grows suddenly bitter, "One of those pre-printed ones, that people send to everyone they know when they move, with their new address. So I thought... he wanted a new house to start over in, one that wouldn't remind him-" Ned breaks off, with a little shake of his head, expression momentarily wavering closer to tears before he pulls the threads of his composure back in place, "I snuck out of school to surprise him. I thought I'd get there before he could even leave to come pick me up. But when I got there he had a new wife and new sons, so it kind of ruined my big gesture. He was never going to come pick me up. He didn't even fucking recognize me."
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Even once Ned is done speaking, though, there're a million thoughts rushing around in his mind, and he has to sit silently for another several moments, during which he hopes Ned doesn't decide to suddenly kick him out for not responding appropriately, now that he's divulged all of this information. Finally, when he does speak, it's a little less frantic and exuberant than usual. "I'm sorry," he says, even though Ned had told him not to apologize, because he's not apologizing for anything he did now, he's apologizing for what had obviously been so painful -- still is so painful -- for Ned. Without meaning to, he'd dragged up all kinds of memories, unpleasantries that Ned had likely been trying to avoid throughout the whole day.
There isn't much he can say, he doesn't think, not anything that won't ring false, at least, and not anything that won't be potentially offensive (he wants, very much, to burst out with a "what an asshole!" comment at the end of Ned's explanation about his father, but he literally bites his tongue to avoid from doing so, because he knows full well that regardless of how harshly someone might speak of their parents, it's almost never productive to denigrate them.) He reaches one hand forward, almost tentatively, sets it on Ned's shoulder, not pushing some kind of suffocating embrace on him -- he doesn't know him well enough yet to know how he'll take it, whether it will be comforting or just stifling.
"Talking about that kinda stuff..." He takes a deep breath, tries to take any hint of pity out of his voice, because he doesn't pity Ned, and pity is one of those feelings that nobody appreciates receiving, even if it's meant well. "... You didn't have to explain yourself to me, but knowing where you're coming from... I'm glad you did. I know that probably makes me selfish because you had to talk about all of that and it's obviously upset you and you were trying to avoid all of this and I came in here and made you talk about it anyway, but you know -- or you should know, if you don't know, and me saying it doesn't help but I'm going to say it anyway because I can't keep my goddamn mouth shut -- you know that you didn't deserve what your father did."
Does that change anything? He doubts it. He knows all too well how meaningless words like that can be, even if they're meant from a place of compassion, which his are. "I'm glad you asked me over. Even when you're like this. Believe me, I've seen worse. I've been worse. How're you supposed to deal with it if you have to deal with it by yourself all the time? That gets pretty exhausting." Another deep breath, and then: "Okay, I'm pretty sure I've said way too much, and I've probably upset you again, and that really isn't my intention, but it's not something I'm so great at avoiding, in case you hadn't noticed, and I'm going to shut up now."
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Ned doesn't quite know what to do, in response to that hand on his shoulder. He understands the impulse behind the gesture, but his reaction to it is not ingrained, has to be processed consciously as an unfamiliar situation. At least now Ginsberg will have a framework for why he responds differently to certain things than the average person.
And it seems that Ginsberg understands that that was what he was aiming for. He wasn't looking for pity, or attention; he just wanted to give Ginsberg an idea where he comes from.
The comment about him not deserving it catches him off-guard. He'd never even brought up the topic of deserving it or not, so how had Ginsberg intuited or guessed or reasoned out that he does think he deserved it? What gave him away? But he rapidly discovers that no, he really can't think about any of that right now. If he does, he's sure he'll lose the battle and start bawling, and he really doesn't want that. So instead, face pale, he shakes his head as if to scatter thoughts of blame and guilt and decades-old self-hatred.
He lets out an uneven sigh and, not sure how else to express his gratitude for Ginsberg's patience, curls forward in his direction, resting his head on Ginsberg's shoulder. Not quite hugging him, but getting into his space, as if he wouldn't mind being hugged. What Ginsberg said about dealing with it by himself strikes a chord and he admits, quietly, "Never actually told anyone all that, before."
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There's a not-so-comfortable part of himself that realizes that he's a horrible hypocrite for encouraging Ned to talk about all of this upsetting, emotional, heart-wrenching stuff -- if not explicitly, then at least implicitly -- when he himself rarely gets into the really deep, dark recesses of his own traumatic memories. Sure, it's easy enough to casually toss out a comment about being irritated with his father for his overprotective nature, or even to divulge that his mother died when he was very young, because none of that goes into great depth. For someone who's so open and frank, most of the time, he's learned the hard way that, for the most part, people don't really want to hear about his past, don't know what to do with it. The only person he'd talked to about it at work had been Peggy, and her response had been understandably confused, understandably shaken.
It's hard to justify sitting here and telling Ned that not talking about things can drive a guy crazy, when he himself doesn't talk about a lot of stuff, but then, maybe that's the reason he knows, firsthand, all about how isolated and adrift stuff like that can make you feel. Because Ned's in his space, wordlessly indicating that he's comfortable with some kind of physical contact, he's more than happy to wrap his arms around him again, squeezing him tightly; he's a hell of a lot better at that than he is at comforting words, which Ned's probably noticed by now.
"You can tell me stuff, if you want. Other stuff, in the future, I mean. If there is other stuff. I'm not saying you have to tell me stuff or that I'll be offended if you don't tell me stuff. But if you want to, you can. Open offer."
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He presses closer to Ginsberg, not quite sure if he should return the hug, settles for clinging to the front of Ginsberg's shirt in a way that will probably embarrass him, if he thinks back on it later. Ned is profoundly unused to this kind of physical affection, and it's clear from his every movement that he's starved for it. Ginsberg might be less experienced than him in terms of sexual experience, but this kind of platonic, comforting closeness is something he's gone without for a long time.
"There's other stuff," he murmurs, somewhat ominously, because he wants Ginsberg to be prepared. Ned knows that he's a labyrinth of neuroses and traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms. But the question is, what does he want to tell Ginsberg, and what does he want to keep hidden? It's such a paradigm shift, to imagine himself disclosing rather than concealing, trusting rather than fearing, etcetera.
After a long beat of silence, he says, "I think the worst part is I don't hate him. I want to. I tried to, for years. But I don't. I just miss him."
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"It makes sense to me. That you don't hate him. I mean, it's hard to hate somebody when there's no..." He frowns, pulling Ned a little closer, trying to think of a word. He's still inclined to characterize Ned's father as an asshole, but knowing that Ned misses him makes him all the more likely to recognize that he has to tread carefully in doing so. If Ned hated the man, that would be one thing, and they could rail against him together, but that's obviously not what's going on here. This is even more complex. He bites his lip thoughtfully.
"I'm not sure if you've ever talked to a psychoanalyst, but believe me, I have, and I think a whole lot of it is total bullshit, or blatantly obvious drivel that you end up paying way too much for, but I mean, they talk about closure a lot, and I guess some of that makes sense. Of course you're going to miss someone you never had any real 'closure' with, whatever the hell that means. I don't know, honestly, I'm not good at this kind of thing, and your ominous warning that there's other stuff is more applicable to me, too, than you can possibly guess, but hey, I don't think you're crazy for any of the way you feel. Although that's coming from a kind of crazy guy, so I'm not sure whether you should take that as being particularly reassuring."
Yeah, maybe he just shouldn't try talking, and should stick to the physical affection. That might be better.
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"You're doing it again," he murmurs, "Being nice to me. It's very alarming." But from the touch of tentative humor and gratitude in his voice, Ned is anything but alarmed. Cautious, maybe, but that's hardly Ginsberg's fault.
Ned swallows, his heartbeat finally beginning to slow down to a more normal rate. "Same deal. You can tell me stuff, too, I mean. If and when you want. I don't... I'd hate it if you thought just because I freaked out just now that you can never talk about your dad in front of me or I'll flip my lid. That was uh- a one time thing. Promise."
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"You'd probably better get used to me being nice to you," he says, smiling a little, because he can hear the gratitude in Ned's voice, and he likes it, likes that he can bring some happiness to Ned's day, however momentarily. "Because I intend to keep being nice to you. It's about the only way I can balance out being an insensitive loudmouth the rest of the time, right? Well, that and I like being nice to you, but I'm also hoping my being nice will make up for some of my, uh, countless flaws in my ability to talk to someone without upsetting them."
Because despite Ned's offer that he can talk to him any time -- and he doesn't think the offer is false in any way -- he's well aware, now, that there's an emotional charge to the discussion of fathers that he hadn't been privy to before. He may be hopelessly blunt, and very likely to complain about his own father again (old habits die hard, after all, and he's been complaining about his father ever since he met the guy) but he does understand now why it might bother Ned, and he vows to handle it just a little bit better in the future.
"Yeah, sure, sometime I'll tell you stuff," he says, with a flippant little quirk of his mouth that completely minimizes how serious anything he could have to tell would be, "and then you'd run screaming in terror, most likely."
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"Doubt it," Ned says, and his voice is increasingly normal, so that there's a hint of humor and challenge in that. At the same time, he's serious, really does mean it. After all, as far as Ned's concerned, no amount of having gone through bad things would drive him away, and as for doing bad things, he suspects the worst thing Ginsberg's ever done wouldn't even register on the chart of what he has.
"And don't be so hard on yourself," he adds, detaching one hand to poke Ginsberg very lightly in the stomach reproachfully, "Everybody's got flaws, and a kitten could've upset me, today. And by could, I mean did."
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He's glad to see that Ned seems to be regaining some of his humor, and although he's obviously not completely back to normal -- probably won't be until the day's over with, he'd bet -- it's a good sign that Ned can joke around with him. Maybe that means the worst of it's over, and it's going to get better from here. He sure hopes so. That's why he's here, isn't it, to make things better? He can't fail Ned now.
And, of course, the appropriate response to being poked in the stomach is to poke Ned back, although he can't quite reach his stomach, so he settles for poking him in the upper arm, not too hard, but teasingly, figuring that since Ned started it, he can't not return the gesture. Besides, it's another excuse for physical contact, which Ned seems to be soaking up at the moment, like he desperately needs it but isn't quite sure how to ask for it.
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"And-" he adds, as if sensing the other man's thoughts, "-you give great hugs. Which is saying something, because I'm not usually a fan." He rests his cheek on Ginsberg's shoulder, can't help but wonder how what he's learned about Ned tonight will color the way he sees him from now on. Even a remark as small as that one becomes weighted, he imagines, with a variety of meanings and possibilities. What he knows will confirm what he probably already picked up on; that Ned is unaccustomed to being hugged.
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"Well," he says, snuggling Ned a little closer, trying to be as affectionate as possible without stifling him -- because he knows that for someone who isn't usually a fan of hugs, too much contact can be just as bad as not enough -- "There's a couple things I'm good at. I think hugging is one of them. I don't get much of a chance to do it, though, because would you believe it, but people're not usually fond of getting hugged randomly, especially at work. I've almost done it a couple times, but it just never goes over well."
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"I'm better at them than I used to be." Curious, how easy it is to say these kinds of things, tucked up against Ginsberg like this, the two of them locked up here, away from the messy confusing painful world. "A lot, actually. I used to- well, I couldn't stand them. Or touching people in general. For a long time." It's something he still has trouble with, on occasion, but not now. His sensitivity to it varies from day to day, and sometimes in larger arcs. He's gone through months on end when he couldn't bear it, followed by periods of relative indifference, only to slip back into avoiding touch at all costs. Ned's given up hoping for any kind of permanent progress. As an afterthought, he adds, "Touching you is nice, though." Just so Ginsberg's clear on that.
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Funny, now, to think back on that little kid he'd been, when his father had found him. He'd been so quiet, so withdrawn, so shut off from everything, and now look at him. He's sure Ned's noticed by now the enthusiastic way he flings himself at the world, arms wide open, even if the world just keeps rejecting him in a variety of ways. It's hard, he thinks, for anyone to imagine him as being normal, not so loud and flamboyant, not so willing to engage in conflict; he wouldn't believe it about himself, either, except that he'd experienced it.
"Touching you's nice, too," he says, and he means it vehemently, because it's even nicer than touching other people he's had the chance to touch. That's always been so fleeting, and Ned's snuggled up to him right now, not seeming like he's about to rush off in a hurry. And Ned's warm, and comforting, and of course it doesn't hurt that he's handsome, too.
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"Can you stay over?" he asks, tries to phrase it as an idle question, without pressure or neediness. He's not quite sure he succeeds, which is why he adds, "I understand if you can't, like if you need to get home or you've got an extra busy day at work tomorrow or you just don't want to-"
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But because Ned had put all of those qualifications on it, he feels the need to address them all, one by one, ticking off the reasons on his fingers why those possible outs Ned had given him don't apply at all. "There's no reason I'd need to be at home, work is always busy, but if other people can come to work stoned, I can come to work after staying over with someone, and as for not wanting to, now I do think you're crazy. Of course I want to."
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"We should do something stupid like... watch a movie or play cards or... have you had dinner, I could cook you something?"
Cooking people food is, after all, one of the primary ways of showing affection that Ned knows. It's always worked for him, because it's something he's good at, something that bypasses all his insecurities and neuroses and lets him make people happy.
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And he's not a particularly picky eater, either, although even if he were, he's sure that from what he's experienced of Ned's piemaking abilities, his cooking skills are just about perfect, too.
"We can put something on TV if you want. Something distracting. I bet there's a movie on."
Hopefully a movie that has nothing to do with Halloween.
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Once they're there he starts pulling things from the cabinets, glad of the activity. As he does, he finds himself saying, "At the school I'd sneak out of bed all the time to cook at night. Most of the time I made pies, but I taught myself to make other stuff, too. This is a recipe I came up with when I was like, thirteen. Don't worry, though," Ned darts a glance over his shoulder, smiles, "It's good. You'll like it."
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Coming from someone else, that almost might come across as sounding sarcastic -- people very rarely say that unless they're being comically deferential or mocking someone, at least, in Ginsberg's experience -- but coming from him, he really means it. Whatever Ned thinks will be the best route towards feeling better is the route he wants to take, and he follows Ned willingly into the kitchen, grabbing one of the chairs from the table and turning it around to sit on it backwards, arms crossed across the back of it to watch Ned as he cooks.
"I like just about everything. And believe me, I trust that your cooking's good. It has to be better than mine, anyway. I mean, I try, but I can only manage the basics. You wouldn't be impressed."