At first, he's far too shaken and upset to follow after Ned, but after a few moments, he hurries after him, going wherever Ned leads him, not questioning Ned's desire to get away. He wants to get away, too, doesn't want to be anywhere near that body, whether it's alive or dead or the living dead or any combination thereof. He's seen pictures of dead bodies, too many pictures, but he can't recall ever seeing one in real life. If he had, it had been a long, long time ago.
There's an instinct to get to a phone as quickly as he can, to call the police, to call an ambulance, to do something, but he could tell just from looking at the woman that she was long beyond any help an ambulance could provide, and the police can wait for a little while longer, until he fully comprehends just what's happened, and just what Ned's done.
None of it makes sense. He can't add it all up in his head, and while he normally embraces things that are illogical, he's completely incapable of doing so right now. So he sits down on the bench next to Ned, once he reaches it, and he puts a very tentative hand on his shoulder. No hugs, not yet, because he doesn't think Ned can take it, not from the expression on his face, not from the way he's shaking. It's obvious that Ned is fighting disgust and fear and panic, and he doesn't want to demand answers, doesn't want to push him, but at the same time, he needs someone to explain what he'd just seen.
"That wasn't supposed to happen," he repeats, because that sentence doesn't make any sense to him, either. "Okay, that wasn't supposed to happen, but what was that? I mean, it looked like... I mean, you know what it looked like. You obviously understand something I don't, and I'm starting to think maybe I'm crazy, because it looked to me like a dead person just became undead and then dead again and I don't know how that happens."
Ned laughs, then, but there's no humor in it. It's a hysterical sound, brief and unhinged. "I don't know how it happens, either," he says. He can feel Ginsberg's hand on his shoulder, shrinks away from it. For Ginsberg's own sake, he thinks. Once he knows the truth, he won't want to touch Ned ever again, won't want to come near him.
The worst part of it is that he'd been so happy. He'd been careless because he'd let himself slip into a mindset in which he didn't think anything could go wrong. He ought not to have gotten up on that wall, should have known that he could trip and fall and ruin everything.
But Ginsberg is waiting, staring at him, and Ned is going to have to say something sooner or later. The words are jumbled and rushed as he says, "You're not crazy. That's what happened. She was dead, and I touched her, and she came back to life. Then I touched her again and she went back to being dead. Because that's what always happens. Because I'm a f-freak of nature. I'm cursed, or magic, or an alien, or a monster, or something. I don't know. I just know how it works."
Now that he's started talking, Ned finds that he can't stop. It's all pouring out of him, like water from a broken dam. "Ever since I was a kid, I've had this- this thing. I can't control it, or make it go away. And it's always been a secret. T-til now. And you saw the whole thing."
That's not a particularly good response at all, can't possibly sum up everything he's thinking at the moment, but it's all he has as he lets it process through his mind, all of the things Ned's saying. He knows he should be immediately arguing that it's impossible, but he'd seen it, and he's never had a hard time believing impossible things, anyway. He doesn't draw his hand back from Ned's shoulder, even when he feels Ned shrink away. Maybe he should. Maybe Ned would prefer it. Selfishly, though, he doesn't pull away.
"You never told anybody? After all these years, I mean, if you've been able to do that for so long, and you've never told anyone..."
He's still collating all of his thoughts, not sure how he wants to respond, not sure how to tackle the how or the why of this, but knowing very much that he wants to tackle the fact that Ned thinks he's a freak of nature. A monster. An alien. Those thoughts are all too familiar to him, although he doesn't have this thing that Ned has, doesn't have anything like it.
"You must be scared about it all the time. I mean, that sounds really..." He tries to think of a way to phrase it inoffensively, but completely fails. Then a thought occurs to him. "Is that why you were so scared in the store? Because the animals were dead? And you knew that if you touched one of them then... then that would happen? How do you... aren't you lonely, if you never tell anyone? That's a big secret. I mean, I know you probably couldn't tell anyone, because if you said it they'd probably think you were crazy, but I mean, it's obviously real."
He shouldn't be surprised, that Ginsberg is so quick to tie the two incidents together, to see in hindsight why Ned had been so alarmed by the presence of so many dead things. To see, too, how isolating, how terrifying it has always been, carrying this thing inside of him, dreading the day when it would be revealed against his will.
"Who would I tell?" Ned asks, but the question is rhetorical and he doesn't wait for a response. Because Ginsberg's questions provide an excellent transition towards what he needs to say, what he needs to impart. Even if Ginsberg leaves, even if they never see one another again, Ned has to get across to him the seriousness of the secret. "Besides it's not a question of someone not believing me or saying I was crazy. It's easy enough to prove it. Too easy. Do you have any idea the kinds of things I have to do, to make sure no one finds out? Because I can't trust anyone. Because what if... what if the secret gets out? What if people find out? Not just one person, but lots of people. What do you think would happen to me?"
He pauses to shudder, hands clenching into tight fists. It's not something that's easy for him to talk about, but then, none of this is, "If it wasn't mobs with torches and pitchforks it'd be people wanting to... to use me, or do tests on me or dissect me like a frog to find out h-how it works. So you can't, you can't tell anyone Ginsberg, please. It's life or d-death for me."
Even as he's saying this, there's a part of Ned that's surprised that Ginsberg hasn't pulled away, hasn't turned on him. Those questions about how lonely it must be, that persistent hand on his shoulder. Doesn't he understand what he's dealing with?
He's quick to say it, but that doesn't make it any less true. He can't imagine who he'd tell, and he can't imagine why he'd want to. Because the scenario Ned describes is all too easy for him to imagine, people coming after Ned, wanting to use him for their own bizarre purposes, wanting to take him apart to figure out how how he works.
"I know I can't... I mean, I have no idea of possibly imagining how you have to live your life so nobody finds out. I can't imagine that. I'm an imaginative guy but my imagination fails me there because even though I have a lot of secrets they're not like that. But I know how people can be. I know what they..."
He swallows hard, because all of a sudden all kinds of thoughts are occurring to him, unpleasant ones, springing into his head completely unbidden and unwanted. He closes his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. "I know what people are capable of. Believe me, and I can't necessarily tell you why right now, because this isn't about me, but I know. And I know that you're right, that they might do that to you. So I'm not telling anyone. Not ever."
He's surprised, how reassured he is by that promise. In the various ways he'd played out this scenario, with different people, different disasters that ended up in the secret being spilled, he would never have imagined he could put his faith in a promise like that. But... this is Ginsberg. And Ned has gotten to know him, gotten to value him for his good heart. There's that honesty of his, which is a worry, but Ned knows it is not entire. He has secrets, too.
"Thank you," he whispers, hoarsely. That should be enough. Should be as much as he requires. But he's shaking even worse, now, can't make himself look at Ginsberg or even sit up properly. It's all happening so fast, not following the script he'd expected, and Ned doesn't know what to do, what to say.
"I understand," Ned says, voice cracking around the word, "if you d-don't want to see me again after this. It's not like I can blame you, I mean, this isn't what you signed up for, is it? You thought I was some cute guy who made pies and I'm this- I'm this freak. So if you wanna go, it's okay. I get it. I won't be mad."
There's a resignation to his voice, an absolute certainty that Ginsberg will take him up on his offer. Because why wouldn't he? There's no way he could want anything else.
"I didn't sign up for anything," he replies, surprised at the vehemence in his own voice, "It's not like you're a... a magazine subscription or a newsletter or a book group or something you sign up for. It's not like people come with some set of expectations and a little checklist that has to be filled out perfectly or you get a refund. You are a cute guy who makes pies. Just because there're other things about you doesn't make you, y'know, not a cute guy who makes pies. You're still that. You just have other facets."
Maybe he's so vehement because he has no idea why Ned would immediately assume that he didn't want to see him after this. It's a surprising revelation, completely unexpected, out of nowhere, not something he'd've believed in before, if someone had told him that he'd meet someone who could raise the dead. But why should it make him not want to see Ned? He's sure it goes back to that concern Ned has about being a freak, a monster.
"And yeah, it's surprising, and weird, and it'd be stupid of me to deny that, but..." He squeezes Ned's shoulder, just a little, in an attempt to be reassuring. He doesn't know whether it'll work or not, but it's worthy of a try. "There're a lot of surprising and weird things about everyone. I like you. That's not gonna change."
That vehemence startles Ned, too. At first he flinches, finally looks up at Ginsberg, but the emphasis doesn't seem to quite be anger, and it doesn't seem to be directed at him so much as at the idea he'd leave, which Ned had thought was so obvious. Because yes, fine, when Ginsberg draws the metaphor out like that, he's not a magazine or newsletter, and the suggestion that he might be is absurd.
But in his experience, his (comparatively minor) imperfections have been the excuse people use to leave him behind. Not just once, not just his father, but time and time again: Eugene, too, and the various men and women whose interest in him had waned slowly or vanished abruptly. He's gotten to think that's normal, that's how everyone treats one another. Gotten used to being a cancelled subscription
Which is why he looks at Ginsberg with naked surprise and confusion on his face. Ginsberg's not just saying it for the sake of saying it; he seems to really mean it. It's his turn to be the speechless one, trying to reconcile the fact that Ginsberg found out this horrible secret and isn't interested in leaving. He doesn't know how to react; he isn't even happy, yet. Just shocked.
"Oh." His eyes go to where Ginsberg's hand is, resolutely on his shoulder, and back to his face. "I thought..." He doesn't know how to phrase it, so he lets the sentence trail off unfinished. Instead, he explains, "The only other time someone saw it was only a pile of dead leaves and he ran away in terror. Literally ran. And after that, we never... so I thought..." Ned trails off once more, gives a very tiny shrug of his shoulders.
"I get why it'd scare someone. It's not the kind of thing you see every day. And I'm not saying I'm not scared, but what scared me isn't that you can... do magic..." He says it with a little shake of his head, like he's still having a hard time believing it, and in some ways, if he really tries to think about it logically, he can't reconcile it with what he knows about the world.
But the world is a big place, and there're a lot of things he doesn't know, things that would probably seem just as strange and unbelievable as this at first. He likes to consider himself to be an open minded person, willing to see things differently and consider new points of view. The idea that he wouldn't be able to come to terms with this is inconceivable.
"What scared me was... I mean... Seeing a dead person. And I know, I know, we see them on television all the time and that's real too but somehow it's different when you see it in person. And I don't know why I'm telling you that because obviously you know that, you've seen dead people before and you know it's disturbing, but I'm... It's not you that scares me. It's the idea that there's someone out there -- probably still someone out there -- that could just cut someone's throat like that and leave them in the bushes. That's scary. You may be able to raise the dead and... Make them dead again, but you'd never hurt someone like that."
Ned's heart sinks in his chest, because of course, Ginsberg finding out about his power isn't the same as finding out what he's done with it. Unintentionally, but that's a rather fine distinction to make. He wonders if he should come clean, should rip the bandaid off now while Ginsberg is being so accepting. But he's so relieved, so thrilled that Ginsberg still wants to be a part of his life, that he doesn't want to screw that up. So he opts for (as he thinks of it) the cowardly route.
"I would never hurt someone on purpose," he says in a very quiet voice. And that is no new information, after all. He'd told Ginsberg already that he'd hurt people, in his past. Best for him to know that it was in the very least unintentional, without malice or cruelty. Unlike what he's talking about.
"There's no comparison," Ned agrees, wondering if this is the first time Ginsberg's seen a dead body. But that's not the sort of thing he knows how to ask. He knows that his own track record of stumbling across corpses is very out of the norm. And given how shaken-up Ginsberg seems by the mere thought of that kind of violence, Ned doesn't want to potentially provoke any more distress.
"Jesus, that poor girl." Ned puts a hand (the one not still streaked with blood) over his mouth, remembering just what she'd looked like. He may not have the same visceral reaction as Ginsberg, but he's capable of being horrified. "I should've- if I'd been thinking clearer I would have asked her who'd done it. Stupid of me not to." But he adds, a moment later, "I guess she wouldn't have been able to tell me, regardless."
He's getting a better handle on himself, now, able to think his way through the situation. "We should find a phone and call the police. Tell them where to look."
He nods, very slowly, because what Ned's saying isn't really any great
revelation -- of course he'd never purposefully hurt someone. He may be
capable of as yet completely unknown things, with those powers that
Ginsberg still doesn't quite feel he understands, but he can't imagine Ned
ever maliciously and gleefully hurting someone. It simply isn't something
he can see in Ned, regardless of what he's now learned.
"We gotta call the cops," he agrees, glad that there's something to be
done, because doing something is so much better than the
alternative, feeling helpless and confused, and they're both doing plenty
of that as it is. "Maybe we should call them anonymously, though, and not
stick around for them to ask questions, because if they think we... I
mean... there's blood on your hands, they might think..."
He trails off, looking queasy again, because thinking about the blood on
Ned's hands reminds him of the blood on the woman, and that leads his brain
down a path he doesn't want it to go down. "She looked so... I mean, it
must've hurt a lot, what happened to her. Or maybe it didn't. Maybe it was
so fast she didn't know what was happening. I... I don't understand how
people can be so cruel."
And that's not just a lamentation about the nature of humanity. He
literally doesn't understand it. For all the times he's been angry,
all the times he's feared hurting someone else, he's never considered
himself capable of that kind of violence. Is he? Is Ned? He doesn't
think so.
"Probably a good idea," Ned agrees, very grateful that he doesn't have to be the one to suggest that they not give their names or hang around too long after. He's been in this situation before, and it hadn't gone well. If the police had suspected him of murder when he was a scrawny, soft-spoken ten-year-old, what would be their reaction when he was a grown man?
He hates seeing Ginsberg's so visibly distraught, and while he's glad that he isn't the cause of it, he still doesn't like it. "She's not in pain now," Ned says, and that's the best he can really offer. He's not going to say she's in a better place, because neither of them really believe that. But she's not suffering, and that is important. As for the question of humanity's cruelty, he doesn't have a solution. Doesn't have a single thing to say, apart from a quiet, "I don't understand it either." Ned doesn't get that kind of sadism. He can wrap his head around circumstances in which he would let one person die, to save another, but that's different than slashing some poor woman's throat in a park. Miles and miles different.
"Ginsberg, are you gonna be okay?" he asks, as gently as he knows how to.
"I'm gonna be fine," he says, instinctively, because that's how you respond to a question like that, it's how he's always been taught to respond, and it's what's expected of him, in general. But then he remembers that usually, when Ned asks questions like that, he genuinely wants the answer, so he takes a deep breath and shrugs.
"I'm probably gonna be fine," he amends, "but I don't feel fine right now. I feel sick. I feel like I'm gonna cry. I can't just pretend I didn't see that. But you know I'm not... I mean, I'm fine with you. It's just the rest of it I'm not fine with."
He realizes he's still holding his cup of hot chocolate, which is nearly empty and no longer hot at all, and it strikes him as somehow ridiculous that he's managed to hold onto it for that long, throughout all of this chaos. After a few seconds, he stands up, shoving the styrofoam cup into the closest trashcan, and nodding in the general direction of a payphone.
"Over there, I think. We can call someone. And then we can get out of here," he says, rubbing his hands together, trying to keep them warm. He can't tell whether it's the cold air or the anxiety making him so chilly, but it doesn't really matter, the result's the same.
It's so not what Ned had expected, that Ginsberg would be upset the one thing rather than the other. In his worldview, it doesn't make much sense. Murder is something that happens. Maybe not where people can see it, but it's always happening. It's accounted for in the accepted order. But the dead returning to life? People - or at least, person - having otherworldly abilities that can undermine a natural law so fundamental?
He's not complaining, though. Ned shoves his hands into his pockets, follows Ginsberg to the phone, standing close to him, watching him for any sign that he's going to cry or throw up or generally lose his composure. But he doesn't. Ginsberg offers to make the call, and Ned lets him. Probably a good idea. He doesn't sound like he's doing so great, which is more congruent with their story of stumbling across the body in the park. Then he hangs up and Ned suggests they go back to his place. For privacy. So that they can talk more, so that he can clean himself up, so that he can help Ginsberg make his way towards fine, again.
The trip seems to take ages, to Ned. So different from the happy blur of wandering together aimlessly, talking about spies and just relishing one another's company. He feels a strange pang of guilt, as if he's ruined this date. Of course, logically, the body would have been there whether or not they walked by it, and whether or not he was with Ginsberg. But at the same time, he seems to somehow attract these sorts of disasters, by a kind of magnetism. And what does he know? Maybe that's part of his powers. It's not the kind of thing he could test, so it's not something he can confirm for sure.
When they get back to his apartment, the very first thing Ned does is go into the kitchen to wash the blood off his hands. Very, very thoroughly.
It's hard for him to think about anything else, on the way back to Ned's apartment, than the dead body. It's easy enough for him to set aside what he'd seen Ned do, what powers he now knows Ned has, in favor of obsessing about murder, violence, blood, everything he hates to think about but comes back to again and again. Without even meaning to, his mind always returns to those dark places, and now it has even more reason to.
When Ned goes to wash his hands, Ginsberg goes to take his coat and scarf off and hang them up methodically, as though the longer he takes and the more carefully he does it, the more everything will make sense. It doesn't seem to, but at least they're back at Ned's place, which is private, which is safe.
As soon as Ned comes out of the kitchen, he can't help himself: he's crossing the room to wrap his arms around Ned, pulling him close fiercely and affectionately, trying to give just as much comfort from the hug as he's trying to get from it. Maybe Ned doesn't want him to touch him right now, and he'll back away easily enough if the hug isn't readily accepted, but he feels like he needs physical contact right now, and with the blood rinsed away from Ned's hands, he has no qualms about initiating it.
He doesn't react, at first. It's so strange to him, that Ginsberg would still want to hug him, would still trust him enough to be alone with him. But he doesn't seem to be forcing himself into it. Not in the least.
So after a moment of stunned stillness, he wraps his arms around Ginsberg, disbelievingly. He can feel the other man trembling faintly and hates it, says quickly, "I'm really sorry you had to see that." There's not much else he can say. Justice might be done and the killer caught, and it might not. Even if it is, it isn't going to change what happened to her.
In a feeble stab at humor, he says, "And here you probably thought nearly running into your dad was going to be our token thing-going-wrong for the date."
There's a moment where he doesn't think Ned's going to hug him back at all, and he wonders if he's done something wrong in being so clingy and needy. Maybe he should have taken it more slowly, not practically flung himself upon Ned. He relaxes a little when Ned finally wraps his arms around him, lets himself press more closely against Ned.
At this point, he'll seize onto any attempt at humor Ned offers, and he smiles into Ned's shoulder a little, still not letting go. "No, nearly running into my dad was my token thing-going-wrong for the date. Everyone has to have one. It's just that yours was a little bigger than mine. I mean, a lot bigger. But on the bright side, maybe that means that the next time we have something go wrong, it'll be minor. I'll spill my coffee on you or something."
He really hopes so. He's sorry he had to see it, too, but he's not upset with Ned for it. "Now... now what do we do? I mean, what do you need to do? To feel better about all of this?"
"I don't know," Ned says, honestly. All that emotion, all that shock and terror, has left him feeling strangely jittery, but he doesn't know in which way to direct that energy. There's nothing to be frightened of, nothing to put all his energy into regretting or dreading. "I never really thought... I mean, I've imagined a lot of different scenarios where people found out. Where you found out, even. But I guess I only ever thought out the worst case scenario, so I'm a bit adrift."
He runs a hand up and down Ginsberg's back, feeling the way he's clinging, holding him tighter in response.
Clearing his throat Ned offers, tentatively, "Is there anything you need? I mean... none of this is new to me."
It may sound like a simple repetition of what Ned's just said, but it's true. He has no idea what'll make this better for either of them. Ned, at least, has experienced this before, and seems to have some idea of how it goes. But then, Ned's never had the experience of having someone else discover his secret before, and that, very likely, has him shaken.
"I'm still so cold," he mumbles, and then buries his face deeper into Ned's shoulder, which doesn't seem like it should be possible, considering how closely he's clinging already. "This shouldn't be about me, anyway. It happened to you. I just happened to be there. It's harder for you. I mean, if you've been imagining people finding out about this for a long time, and it's been on your mind, then obviously it's harder for you."
When Ginsberg says he is cold, Ned murmurs, "C'mere," and pulls away momentarily, keeping one arm around Ginsberg's waist to steer him to the couch. He sits down and pulls the other man close to him, drapes him in the blanket that he keeps folded over the back. The source of that cold may not be entirely physical, but then the act of tucking Ginsberg up close to his side isn't only physical, either.
"It's about both of us," he says, settling on a middle ground. It seems accurate, as well. He's dealing with someone finding out for the first time, and Ginsberg's dealing with the whole magic powers are real thing, not to mention the shock from being exposed to that kind of violence.
"I'm just not sure... how to even talk about it," Ned admits. "I've never really spoken about it to anyone before, so even though it's this big part of my life..." He ends with a shrug. "I guess I should- I didn't explain it very well, earlier. I was kind of panicking." Understatement. "Do you... if you have questions? I could try to answer them."
"I don't know," he says again, but after a few seconds -- seconds he spends tucking his feet up under him on the couch and wrapping himself as tightly in the blanket as he can -- he decides that he's sick of just saying I don't know, and shrugs.
"You can explain it however you want. I mean, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. It's obviously an uncomfortable topic. You can't just go around talking about it, so I guess you probably haven't had to say anything about it before. I have a million questions, but I'm not sure where I... I mean, how did you find out... How do you find out that you can do something like that?"
That seems like a good place to start. The beginning. Maybe he can figure out how to understand it all if he knows what it was like for Ned to discover it. He'll never understand it fully, and he knows it, but it's a tentative beginning.
That's an easy question to start with; Ginsberg can probably feel a small amount of the tension go out of him when it is nothing more complicated than that, at first. "Digby," he says, without hesitation. "When I was a kid, he was playing in the road and got hit by a truck. He was dead, but then I touched him and he got up and was fine. That was the first time it happened. It just sort of came out of nowhere. One day I was normal, and the next, I wasn't. I have no idea why."
Ned settles an arm around Ginsberg's shoulders, feels that... this is okay. He can do this. In a way it's almost nice. All of this is something he's never had the opportunity to talk about. It's the removal of a barrier between the two of them - a huge barrier. Ned hadn't realized quite how far apart it kept them, until it was gone. Some of this is discernible in the increasing ease and warmth of his voice as he elaborates, "That's why I can't touch him, now. I don't know if you've noticed. You probably didn't. Most people don't. If I were to touch him again, he'd die. So I can't."
He nods slowly, as though he understands it, though of course he doesn't, really. The explanation makes enough sense, though, that he's perfectly happy to go along with it, glad that Ned had been willing to explain it. "I noticed you didn't exactly seem cuddly with him. Maybe I just thought you weren't the cuddly kind of guy. Which is pretty stupid, I guess, because you seem to be cuddling with me just fine, but I dunno, you're right, I didn't really think about it."
He leans his head on Ned's shoulder, half looking for more comfort, half simply enjoying his physical presence, liking that there's someone he can cuddle up to without feeling strange about it. "But you've kept him alive for this long, ever since you were a kid, never touching him. That's really... that's impressive. You must be really careful with him. I can't imagine being able to do that. I mean, you know how I am. I'd've impulsively hugged him a long time ago."
And that, he thinks, might have a little something to do with why Ned always seems a bit surprised by spontaneous physical contact, but he's not here to psychoanalyze Ned, or to figure out what makes him the way he is. He's just here to listen, and to attempt to understand as much about him as he can. That's a lot easier than figuring out the whys and hows and all the other unpleasant stuff.
"It helps that he's well-behaved," Ned says, with considerable affection, "Plus, I'm pretty sure he kind of... knows what would happen if we ever touched. Like he can sense it somehow. Dogs can sense all kinds of things that people can't, so why not that?"
Even if Ginsberg doesn't voice his vague suspicions aloud, Ned guesses that he is tying the various pieces of evidence together, seeing Ned's somewhat strange behavior in regards to physical contact in an entirely different light. Might as well acknowledge it. "What with the way I am... I've learned to be careful, yeah. Of a lot of things, not just Digby."
He smiles, faintly, adds with a touch of humor, "Paranoid would be another word for it. I've gotten by, pretty much, by having a million tiny rules about what I can and can't do. In order to prevent, well, stuff like what happened when we were in the park. That was really unlike me, being reckless and walking on that wall. Even running into that shop without looking inside, first, was pretty daring, according to my standards."
"He does seem pretty smart," he agrees, thinking of how Digby almost seems
to listen to Ned like he's a person, too. "Of course, now that I know that
he's ancient and immortal, the fact that he's smart kind of makes sense.
Well, not entirely immortal, I guess, but you're careful, like you said.
Paranoid, like me. Just in a different way."
It's strange how similar they are, he thinks, even though he, of course,
has no magical powers or inexplicable talents like Ned does. He's
quiet for a minute, thinking about everything Ned's explained so far, and
then speaks up again.
"I know what you mean about rules. Not like you do, of course, but I have a
lot of rules, too. You probably wouldn't think that because I probably
strike you as being pretty reckless. And then I made you be all reckless,
and look what happened. See, I'm a bad influence."
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no subject
There's an instinct to get to a phone as quickly as he can, to call the police, to call an ambulance, to do something, but he could tell just from looking at the woman that she was long beyond any help an ambulance could provide, and the police can wait for a little while longer, until he fully comprehends just what's happened, and just what Ned's done.
None of it makes sense. He can't add it all up in his head, and while he normally embraces things that are illogical, he's completely incapable of doing so right now. So he sits down on the bench next to Ned, once he reaches it, and he puts a very tentative hand on his shoulder. No hugs, not yet, because he doesn't think Ned can take it, not from the expression on his face, not from the way he's shaking. It's obvious that Ned is fighting disgust and fear and panic, and he doesn't want to demand answers, doesn't want to push him, but at the same time, he needs someone to explain what he'd just seen.
"That wasn't supposed to happen," he repeats, because that sentence doesn't make any sense to him, either. "Okay, that wasn't supposed to happen, but what was that? I mean, it looked like... I mean, you know what it looked like. You obviously understand something I don't, and I'm starting to think maybe I'm crazy, because it looked to me like a dead person just became undead and then dead again and I don't know how that happens."
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The worst part of it is that he'd been so happy. He'd been careless because he'd let himself slip into a mindset in which he didn't think anything could go wrong. He ought not to have gotten up on that wall, should have known that he could trip and fall and ruin everything.
But Ginsberg is waiting, staring at him, and Ned is going to have to say something sooner or later. The words are jumbled and rushed as he says, "You're not crazy. That's what happened. She was dead, and I touched her, and she came back to life. Then I touched her again and she went back to being dead. Because that's what always happens. Because I'm a f-freak of nature. I'm cursed, or magic, or an alien, or a monster, or something. I don't know. I just know how it works."
Now that he's started talking, Ned finds that he can't stop. It's all pouring out of him, like water from a broken dam. "Ever since I was a kid, I've had this- this thing. I can't control it, or make it go away. And it's always been a secret. T-til now. And you saw the whole thing."
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That's not a particularly good response at all, can't possibly sum up everything he's thinking at the moment, but it's all he has as he lets it process through his mind, all of the things Ned's saying. He knows he should be immediately arguing that it's impossible, but he'd seen it, and he's never had a hard time believing impossible things, anyway. He doesn't draw his hand back from Ned's shoulder, even when he feels Ned shrink away. Maybe he should. Maybe Ned would prefer it. Selfishly, though, he doesn't pull away.
"You never told anybody? After all these years, I mean, if you've been able to do that for so long, and you've never told anyone..."
He's still collating all of his thoughts, not sure how he wants to respond, not sure how to tackle the how or the why of this, but knowing very much that he wants to tackle the fact that Ned thinks he's a freak of nature. A monster. An alien. Those thoughts are all too familiar to him, although he doesn't have this thing that Ned has, doesn't have anything like it.
"You must be scared about it all the time. I mean, that sounds really..." He tries to think of a way to phrase it inoffensively, but completely fails. Then a thought occurs to him. "Is that why you were so scared in the store? Because the animals were dead? And you knew that if you touched one of them then... then that would happen? How do you... aren't you lonely, if you never tell anyone? That's a big secret. I mean, I know you probably couldn't tell anyone, because if you said it they'd probably think you were crazy, but I mean, it's obviously real."
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"Who would I tell?" Ned asks, but the question is rhetorical and he doesn't wait for a response. Because Ginsberg's questions provide an excellent transition towards what he needs to say, what he needs to impart. Even if Ginsberg leaves, even if they never see one another again, Ned has to get across to him the seriousness of the secret. "Besides it's not a question of someone not believing me or saying I was crazy. It's easy enough to prove it. Too easy. Do you have any idea the kinds of things I have to do, to make sure no one finds out? Because I can't trust anyone. Because what if... what if the secret gets out? What if people find out? Not just one person, but lots of people. What do you think would happen to me?"
He pauses to shudder, hands clenching into tight fists. It's not something that's easy for him to talk about, but then, none of this is, "If it wasn't mobs with torches and pitchforks it'd be people wanting to... to use me, or do tests on me or dissect me like a frog to find out h-how it works. So you can't, you can't tell anyone Ginsberg, please. It's life or d-death for me."
Even as he's saying this, there's a part of Ned that's surprised that Ginsberg hasn't pulled away, hasn't turned on him. Those questions about how lonely it must be, that persistent hand on his shoulder. Doesn't he understand what he's dealing with?
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He's quick to say it, but that doesn't make it any less true. He can't imagine who he'd tell, and he can't imagine why he'd want to. Because the scenario Ned describes is all too easy for him to imagine, people coming after Ned, wanting to use him for their own bizarre purposes, wanting to take him apart to figure out how how he works.
"I know I can't... I mean, I have no idea of possibly imagining how you have to live your life so nobody finds out. I can't imagine that. I'm an imaginative guy but my imagination fails me there because even though I have a lot of secrets they're not like that. But I know how people can be. I know what they..."
He swallows hard, because all of a sudden all kinds of thoughts are occurring to him, unpleasant ones, springing into his head completely unbidden and unwanted. He closes his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. "I know what people are capable of. Believe me, and I can't necessarily tell you why right now, because this isn't about me, but I know. And I know that you're right, that they might do that to you. So I'm not telling anyone. Not ever."
And he's still not pulling away his hand, either.
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"Thank you," he whispers, hoarsely. That should be enough. Should be as much as he requires. But he's shaking even worse, now, can't make himself look at Ginsberg or even sit up properly. It's all happening so fast, not following the script he'd expected, and Ned doesn't know what to do, what to say.
"I understand," Ned says, voice cracking around the word, "if you d-don't want to see me again after this. It's not like I can blame you, I mean, this isn't what you signed up for, is it? You thought I was some cute guy who made pies and I'm this- I'm this freak. So if you wanna go, it's okay. I get it. I won't be mad."
There's a resignation to his voice, an absolute certainty that Ginsberg will take him up on his offer. Because why wouldn't he? There's no way he could want anything else.
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Maybe he's so vehement because he has no idea why Ned would immediately assume that he didn't want to see him after this. It's a surprising revelation, completely unexpected, out of nowhere, not something he'd've believed in before, if someone had told him that he'd meet someone who could raise the dead. But why should it make him not want to see Ned? He's sure it goes back to that concern Ned has about being a freak, a monster.
"And yeah, it's surprising, and weird, and it'd be stupid of me to deny that, but..." He squeezes Ned's shoulder, just a little, in an attempt to be reassuring. He doesn't know whether it'll work or not, but it's worthy of a try. "There're a lot of surprising and weird things about everyone. I like you. That's not gonna change."
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But in his experience, his (comparatively minor) imperfections have been the excuse people use to leave him behind. Not just once, not just his father, but time and time again: Eugene, too, and the various men and women whose interest in him had waned slowly or vanished abruptly. He's gotten to think that's normal, that's how everyone treats one another. Gotten used to being a cancelled subscription
Which is why he looks at Ginsberg with naked surprise and confusion on his face. Ginsberg's not just saying it for the sake of saying it; he seems to really mean it. It's his turn to be the speechless one, trying to reconcile the fact that Ginsberg found out this horrible secret and isn't interested in leaving. He doesn't know how to react; he isn't even happy, yet. Just shocked.
"Oh." His eyes go to where Ginsberg's hand is, resolutely on his shoulder, and back to his face. "I thought..." He doesn't know how to phrase it, so he lets the sentence trail off unfinished. Instead, he explains, "The only other time someone saw it was only a pile of dead leaves and he ran away in terror. Literally ran. And after that, we never... so I thought..." Ned trails off once more, gives a very tiny shrug of his shoulders.
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But the world is a big place, and there're a lot of things he doesn't know, things that would probably seem just as strange and unbelievable as this at first. He likes to consider himself to be an open minded person, willing to see things differently and consider new points of view. The idea that he wouldn't be able to come to terms with this is inconceivable.
"What scared me was... I mean... Seeing a dead person. And I know, I know, we see them on television all the time and that's real too but somehow it's different when you see it in person. And I don't know why I'm telling you that because obviously you know that, you've seen dead people before and you know it's disturbing, but I'm... It's not you that scares me. It's the idea that there's someone out there -- probably still someone out there -- that could just cut someone's throat like that and leave them in the bushes. That's scary. You may be able to raise the dead and... Make them dead again, but you'd never hurt someone like that."
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"I would never hurt someone on purpose," he says in a very quiet voice. And that is no new information, after all. He'd told Ginsberg already that he'd hurt people, in his past. Best for him to know that it was in the very least unintentional, without malice or cruelty. Unlike what he's talking about.
"There's no comparison," Ned agrees, wondering if this is the first time Ginsberg's seen a dead body. But that's not the sort of thing he knows how to ask. He knows that his own track record of stumbling across corpses is very out of the norm. And given how shaken-up Ginsberg seems by the mere thought of that kind of violence, Ned doesn't want to potentially provoke any more distress.
"Jesus, that poor girl." Ned puts a hand (the one not still streaked with blood) over his mouth, remembering just what she'd looked like. He may not have the same visceral reaction as Ginsberg, but he's capable of being horrified. "I should've- if I'd been thinking clearer I would have asked her who'd done it. Stupid of me not to." But he adds, a moment later, "I guess she wouldn't have been able to tell me, regardless."
He's getting a better handle on himself, now, able to think his way through the situation. "We should find a phone and call the police. Tell them where to look."
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He nods, very slowly, because what Ned's saying isn't really any great revelation -- of course he'd never purposefully hurt someone. He may be capable of as yet completely unknown things, with those powers that Ginsberg still doesn't quite feel he understands, but he can't imagine Ned ever maliciously and gleefully hurting someone. It simply isn't something he can see in Ned, regardless of what he's now learned.
"We gotta call the cops," he agrees, glad that there's something to be done, because doing something is so much better than the alternative, feeling helpless and confused, and they're both doing plenty of that as it is. "Maybe we should call them anonymously, though, and not stick around for them to ask questions, because if they think we... I mean... there's blood on your hands, they might think..."
He trails off, looking queasy again, because thinking about the blood on Ned's hands reminds him of the blood on the woman, and that leads his brain down a path he doesn't want it to go down. "She looked so... I mean, it must've hurt a lot, what happened to her. Or maybe it didn't. Maybe it was so fast she didn't know what was happening. I... I don't understand how people can be so cruel."
And that's not just a lamentation about the nature of humanity. He literally doesn't understand it. For all the times he's been angry, all the times he's feared hurting someone else, he's never considered himself capable of that kind of violence. Is he? Is Ned? He doesn't think so.
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He hates seeing Ginsberg's so visibly distraught, and while he's glad that he isn't the cause of it, he still doesn't like it. "She's not in pain now," Ned says, and that's the best he can really offer. He's not going to say she's in a better place, because neither of them really believe that. But she's not suffering, and that is important. As for the question of humanity's cruelty, he doesn't have a solution. Doesn't have a single thing to say, apart from a quiet, "I don't understand it either." Ned doesn't get that kind of sadism. He can wrap his head around circumstances in which he would let one person die, to save another, but that's different than slashing some poor woman's throat in a park. Miles and miles different.
"Ginsberg, are you gonna be okay?" he asks, as gently as he knows how to.
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"I'm probably gonna be fine," he amends, "but I don't feel fine right now. I feel sick. I feel like I'm gonna cry. I can't just pretend I didn't see that. But you know I'm not... I mean, I'm fine with you. It's just the rest of it I'm not fine with."
He realizes he's still holding his cup of hot chocolate, which is nearly empty and no longer hot at all, and it strikes him as somehow ridiculous that he's managed to hold onto it for that long, throughout all of this chaos. After a few seconds, he stands up, shoving the styrofoam cup into the closest trashcan, and nodding in the general direction of a payphone.
"Over there, I think. We can call someone. And then we can get out of here," he says, rubbing his hands together, trying to keep them warm. He can't tell whether it's the cold air or the anxiety making him so chilly, but it doesn't really matter, the result's the same.
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He's not complaining, though. Ned shoves his hands into his pockets, follows Ginsberg to the phone, standing close to him, watching him for any sign that he's going to cry or throw up or generally lose his composure. But he doesn't. Ginsberg offers to make the call, and Ned lets him. Probably a good idea. He doesn't sound like he's doing so great, which is more congruent with their story of stumbling across the body in the park. Then he hangs up and Ned suggests they go back to his place. For privacy. So that they can talk more, so that he can clean himself up, so that he can help Ginsberg make his way towards fine, again.
The trip seems to take ages, to Ned. So different from the happy blur of wandering together aimlessly, talking about spies and just relishing one another's company. He feels a strange pang of guilt, as if he's ruined this date. Of course, logically, the body would have been there whether or not they walked by it, and whether or not he was with Ginsberg. But at the same time, he seems to somehow attract these sorts of disasters, by a kind of magnetism. And what does he know? Maybe that's part of his powers. It's not the kind of thing he could test, so it's not something he can confirm for sure.
When they get back to his apartment, the very first thing Ned does is go into the kitchen to wash the blood off his hands. Very, very thoroughly.
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When Ned goes to wash his hands, Ginsberg goes to take his coat and scarf off and hang them up methodically, as though the longer he takes and the more carefully he does it, the more everything will make sense. It doesn't seem to, but at least they're back at Ned's place, which is private, which is safe.
As soon as Ned comes out of the kitchen, he can't help himself: he's crossing the room to wrap his arms around Ned, pulling him close fiercely and affectionately, trying to give just as much comfort from the hug as he's trying to get from it. Maybe Ned doesn't want him to touch him right now, and he'll back away easily enough if the hug isn't readily accepted, but he feels like he needs physical contact right now, and with the blood rinsed away from Ned's hands, he has no qualms about initiating it.
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So after a moment of stunned stillness, he wraps his arms around Ginsberg, disbelievingly. He can feel the other man trembling faintly and hates it, says quickly, "I'm really sorry you had to see that." There's not much else he can say. Justice might be done and the killer caught, and it might not. Even if it is, it isn't going to change what happened to her.
In a feeble stab at humor, he says, "And here you probably thought nearly running into your dad was going to be our token thing-going-wrong for the date."
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At this point, he'll seize onto any attempt at humor Ned offers, and he smiles into Ned's shoulder a little, still not letting go. "No, nearly running into my dad was my token thing-going-wrong for the date. Everyone has to have one. It's just that yours was a little bigger than mine. I mean, a lot bigger. But on the bright side, maybe that means that the next time we have something go wrong, it'll be minor. I'll spill my coffee on you or something."
He really hopes so. He's sorry he had to see it, too, but he's not upset with Ned for it. "Now... now what do we do? I mean, what do you need to do? To feel better about all of this?"
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He runs a hand up and down Ginsberg's back, feeling the way he's clinging, holding him tighter in response.
Clearing his throat Ned offers, tentatively, "Is there anything you need? I mean... none of this is new to me."
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It may sound like a simple repetition of what Ned's just said, but it's true. He has no idea what'll make this better for either of them. Ned, at least, has experienced this before, and seems to have some idea of how it goes. But then, Ned's never had the experience of having someone else discover his secret before, and that, very likely, has him shaken.
"I'm still so cold," he mumbles, and then buries his face deeper into Ned's shoulder, which doesn't seem like it should be possible, considering how closely he's clinging already. "This shouldn't be about me, anyway. It happened to you. I just happened to be there. It's harder for you. I mean, if you've been imagining people finding out about this for a long time, and it's been on your mind, then obviously it's harder for you."
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"It's about both of us," he says, settling on a middle ground. It seems accurate, as well. He's dealing with someone finding out for the first time, and Ginsberg's dealing with the whole magic powers are real thing, not to mention the shock from being exposed to that kind of violence.
"I'm just not sure... how to even talk about it," Ned admits. "I've never really spoken about it to anyone before, so even though it's this big part of my life..." He ends with a shrug. "I guess I should- I didn't explain it very well, earlier. I was kind of panicking." Understatement. "Do you... if you have questions? I could try to answer them."
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"You can explain it however you want. I mean, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. It's obviously an uncomfortable topic. You can't just go around talking about it, so I guess you probably haven't had to say anything about it before. I have a million questions, but I'm not sure where I... I mean, how did you find out... How do you find out that you can do something like that?"
That seems like a good place to start. The beginning. Maybe he can figure out how to understand it all if he knows what it was like for Ned to discover it. He'll never understand it fully, and he knows it, but it's a tentative beginning.
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Ned settles an arm around Ginsberg's shoulders, feels that... this is okay. He can do this. In a way it's almost nice. All of this is something he's never had the opportunity to talk about. It's the removal of a barrier between the two of them - a huge barrier. Ned hadn't realized quite how far apart it kept them, until it was gone. Some of this is discernible in the increasing ease and warmth of his voice as he elaborates, "That's why I can't touch him, now. I don't know if you've noticed. You probably didn't. Most people don't. If I were to touch him again, he'd die. So I can't."
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He leans his head on Ned's shoulder, half looking for more comfort, half simply enjoying his physical presence, liking that there's someone he can cuddle up to without feeling strange about it. "But you've kept him alive for this long, ever since you were a kid, never touching him. That's really... that's impressive. You must be really careful with him. I can't imagine being able to do that. I mean, you know how I am. I'd've impulsively hugged him a long time ago."
And that, he thinks, might have a little something to do with why Ned always seems a bit surprised by spontaneous physical contact, but he's not here to psychoanalyze Ned, or to figure out what makes him the way he is. He's just here to listen, and to attempt to understand as much about him as he can. That's a lot easier than figuring out the whys and hows and all the other unpleasant stuff.
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Even if Ginsberg doesn't voice his vague suspicions aloud, Ned guesses that he is tying the various pieces of evidence together, seeing Ned's somewhat strange behavior in regards to physical contact in an entirely different light. Might as well acknowledge it. "What with the way I am... I've learned to be careful, yeah. Of a lot of things, not just Digby."
He smiles, faintly, adds with a touch of humor, "Paranoid would be another word for it. I've gotten by, pretty much, by having a million tiny rules about what I can and can't do. In order to prevent, well, stuff like what happened when we were in the park. That was really unlike me, being reckless and walking on that wall. Even running into that shop without looking inside, first, was pretty daring, according to my standards."
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"He does seem pretty smart," he agrees, thinking of how Digby almost seems to listen to Ned like he's a person, too. "Of course, now that I know that he's ancient and immortal, the fact that he's smart kind of makes sense. Well, not entirely immortal, I guess, but you're careful, like you said. Paranoid, like me. Just in a different way."
It's strange how similar they are, he thinks, even though he, of course, has no magical powers or inexplicable talents like Ned does. He's quiet for a minute, thinking about everything Ned's explained so far, and then speaks up again.
"I know what you mean about rules. Not like you do, of course, but I have a lot of rules, too. You probably wouldn't think that because I probably strike you as being pretty reckless. And then I made you be all reckless, and look what happened. See, I'm a bad influence."
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